


Dear, Jeremy Heere,

by CreatorAnimator, Japo_Chan23



Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz, Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Cigarettes, Cutting, Depression, Fluff and Angst, Heidi and Peter are just dating, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Jeremy is an angry boy, M/M, Mentioned Suicide Attempt, Moving In Together, Nearly step brothers but not quite, Nobody is Dead, Non-Canon Relationship, Not Beta Read, Not Canon Compliant, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, POV Alternating, POV Third Person, Social Anxiety, Tags Are Hard, Tags May Change, Tooth-Rotting Fluff, i hate tagging with a passion
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-14
Updated: 2018-08-24
Packaged: 2019-05-07 03:59:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 18
Words: 36,107
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14662839
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CreatorAnimator/pseuds/CreatorAnimator, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Japo_Chan23/pseuds/Japo_Chan23
Summary: Moving in with your girlfriend or boyfriend is fine. Totally. Not like his dad was literally dragging him to go move in with someone he didn't know existed until now. Jeremy is just pissed off that he has to move in with the Hansen's when he didn't even know his dad was dating someone, let alone long enough to move in with her.Evan's just very anxious about the whole ordeal and wants to create a good impression.





	1. Moving

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This takes place in Bronx, NY. This is a crossover of deh and bmc so expect treebros and boyf riends. In this, Connor didn’t die and Jeremy didn’t take the squip yet. Also, since in bmc Mr. Heere’s first name isn’t mentioned, I’m going to use his actor’s first name, Peter. when posting this.Thankyou and enjoy the fic!

“Jeremy? Can you come upstairs for a minute, I need to talk to you.” Mr. Heere yelled down the hall. Most people in New York live in small expensive apartments, but that doesn’t mean that the Heere’s are rich. Far from it. The Heeres lived in a small apartment building on E 174th street. 

“I’m playing games with Michael!” Jeremy called back. He really wasn’t interested in what his father had to say. He was probably going to ask him about getting a girlfriend or something. It was high-key annoying, but whatever- one learns to cope. He wasn’t going to spare some of his focus on that. Jeremy’s eyes were on the prize- the prize being the television, of course. 

“You can bring Michael. Please, this is important, Jeremy.” Jeremy groaned as he pressed pause, tossing his controller to the side without care. With a grunt, he motioned for Michael to come with him into the living room. His brow disappeared into his hairline when he saw his father actually wearing pants for once. 

“So you finally decided to get dressed after, like three years?” Jeremy huffed, taking a seat on the couch with Michael, across from the armchair Mr. Heere was currently seated in.

“Yeah… Jeremy, we’re going to be going through some changes, uh…” He paused. Jeremy narrowed his eyes, before looking around. His blue eyes widened when he caught sight of cardboard boxes in the kitchen. “I’ve been seeing someone, and we’ve been dating for a while now,” Jeremy cut him off.

“ _ You’ve  _ been dating?” Jeremy was kinda surprised. He never thought his father would get back with anyone, after the divorce. It’s been really tough on him lately, but Michael was always there to help him. 

“Yes, her name is Heidi. Heidi Hansen. She has a son, his name is Evan, and he’s a senior. Look, I know this is sudden, but we don’t have the money and-” Jeremy cut him off again.

“Are we moving in with them?”  Jeremy almost jumped out of his seat. “Look, I have friends here, I’m starting my junior year of high school and stuff! I haven’t even meet her before! How do I know she’s not some wako on the streets?” 

“Look, Mr. Heere,” Michael wanted to say something. “You can’t just decide to move in all of a sudden with someone you haven’t even introduced to Jeremy yet!” Mr. Heere took a breath, slowly exhaling.

“You won’t have to worry about school and friends, they live in the Bronx as well. It’s not like we’re moving to Ohio or anything like that.” He gave a nervous chuckle. “Jeremy please understand. I’m trying to get better. I’m gonna get a job and try to fix things... There are boxes in the kitchen if you want to start packing. I’m sorry.” Jeremy stood up and almost stormed off if Mr. Heere didn’t stop him. “And uh, I should tell you,”

“Tell me what? That you’re getting married now without me knowing about it or something?” Jeremy snapped, clenching his jaw, causing is to ache.

“No, it’s about Evan, Heidi’s son.” Jeremy sat down. “Evan has social anxiety, and she told me that it’s really bad and that I should tell you… just, when you meet him, be nice, please.” Jeremy sighed. He kinda felt bad for Evan now.  _ I wonder how he’s gonna take the news… _

-

“Honey I’m home!” Heidi said as she opened the door to the apartment. She kicked the door shut behind her. Evan was sitting by the island in the kitchen with his laptop.

“Um, hi mom…” Evan drifted. Heidi walked over and took a set next to Evan. He looked up.

“Honey, you know I love you and that I would only do anything for you and to make you happy right?” She said.  _ What does she mean? Did she lose her job? Do I have to drop out of school to help her? _ Evan nodded. He didn’t know what to say. She took a breath. “I’ve been doing a bit of dating recently and I’ve met someone that I think you’ll like.” Evan smiled a bit.

“Th-that’s uh, great!” He was proud of her. Half of Evan wanted to meet them, but the other half was way too anxious to meet someone who was dating his mom. “Uh, is there-there like big n-news or some-something?” A pause.

“Yeah, um… his name is Peter Heere, he has a son Jeremy, he’s a Junior in high school? He goes to the same high school as you, you’ve probably seen him around I image.” No, not really. Evan tries to keep his head down and not make eye-contact in the halls and in class. He nodded anyway. “The Heere’s are having trouble with money and…”  _ And what? They’re going to move in or something? _ “I said that they could move in with us.” Evan felt his stomach drop and his head fog up with thoughts. He started to pick at his cast. 

“Um,” Evan tired to say something, but nothing was coming out.

“I’m sorry dear, I know this is sudden for you and I’m sorry, please understand.” Evan ran his fingers through his hair as he forced a smile, trying to hide how angry, upset, and anxious he was. He started to breathe heavier. Heidi pulled him into a hug. “It’s going to be okay sweetie.” She whispered. Another pause. Evan broke the hug and sighed. 

“I-it’s fine I j-just need some t-time…” Evan was shaking a bit. He stood up and walked up the stairs to his room. He needed to process some things. He looked at the sign on his door that read “EVAN’S ROOM” with little drawing around it from when he was little. He kept it because he made it before his father left them, and it reminded him of a time when he was happy and not so anxious. He reached out and ripped the sign off. He didn’t want to make it look like he was still a kid- god, the thought of the Heere’s seeing it was so embarrassing. 

He stepped inside and threw the sign in a bin by his desk. He plopped down onto his bed. Evan’s room was kinda bland. The walls where a neutral light blue color. His desk, bed and dresser were all from different sets, to save money. His bed was a light beige color with dark blue sheets, and had a little shelf where he would put his favorite books and other miscellaneous items. He had a few house plants in his room too. He didn’t know how to feel about sharing a room with someone else. 

-

A week later and Jeremy was still pretty pissed about the whole thing. His father somehow got him to pack up and get on that moving truck. He was  _ not _ in the mood to meet his girlfriend and pity her anxious son. He sighed as they found a parking spot in front of the apartment. Heidi was standing outside the steps in a floral shirt and blue jeans. Jeremy rolled his eyes as he stepped out of the car, not looking forward to the obligatory greeting.

“Oh, you must be Jeremy! It’s so great to meet you!” She said as she pulled him into a hug. He was to pissed to hug her back though. 

“Um, nice to meet you Miss. Hansen-” He said in a flat voice.

“You can call me Heidi.” She said. Jeremy pulled away from the hug. 

“...right.” Jeremy walked back to the truck and picked up a few of his boxes. Mr. Heere greeted Heidi and smiled. 

“Oh, you don’t have to unpack just yet. How ‘bout you go and meet Evan?” He said. Jeremy sighed as he dropped the boxes back into the car. He walked towards the entrance of the apartment.

“Go to room 2, 14B, Evan is going to be so excited to finally meet you!” Heidi exclaimed. Jeremy rolled his eyes and pushed the door open but failed. By the door knob was a sign that said “PULL”.  _ Idiot.  _ He yanked the door open and went into the elevator. He pressed the button for  floor two and waited. The elevator kinda had a weird smell. It wasn’t dirty, but it wasn’t the  _ nicest  _ elevator in the world. The doors eventually opened and he was brought to a hallway. Jeremy walked down, looking at the numbers until he found 14B. He knocked on the door and waited. There were some footsteps on the other side then science.

A pause. The door opened to a slightly shorter boy with honey hair, freckles, and dark green eyes. He wore a polo shirt, which he was tugging on a bit, and light brown pants. 

“Uh, um, hi. You-you must be-be Jeremy?” He reached out his hand, but then pulled it away and wiped it on his pants. 

“Yeah, you must be Evan then.” Jeremy said in a flat tone. Jeremy was wearing an old blue hoodie and black pants. His Converse where old and dirty. Evan forced a smile and picked at his cast as Jeremy walked by. He looked around and plopped onto the couch.  “Um, nice place I guess?” Evan looked up.

“U-uh yea, um, thanks…” He drifted. Jeremy looked over at Evan, who was still in the doorway picking at his cast.

“How’d you break your arm?” Jeremy really didn’t want to talk right now but he decided that if he was going to live with this kid, he might as well try. Evan froze. Jeremy raised a brow, clearly apathetic. Seriously, he just broke an arm, it shouldn’t be anything serious. Like, falling from the monkey bars kind of serious. 

“Oh, um sorry, I uh sorry, I um… I didn’t uh, um, I-I-I uh, sorry,” He panicked. Jeremy rolled his eyes. 

“Hey, don’t have a panic attack. I asked you a simple question.” Evan curled his fingers into a tight fist, his fingernails leaving deep, crescent marks into the palms of his hands. 

“I um,” He looked at his empty cast. “I-I fell out of a tree…” Evan hated that one of the first things he said to Jeremy was a lie, but he didn’t know what else to say. He couldn’t just start to get all emotional and start venting out of nowhere. 

“What were you doing in a tree?” Evan opened his mouth but was cut off by Heidi and Mr. Heere walking in. 

“Evan, this is Mr. Heere, Jeremy’s father.” She introduced him. “Peter, this is my son Evan!” Evan was visibly anxious- darting eyes, shaky hands, obvious fidgeting. 

“Nice to meet you Evan, I’m Peter.” He put out his hand for Evan to shake. Evan reached out his hand and Peter shook it firmly. Evan was the first to pull away. “Sorry if Jeremy’s been a bit moody.” He looked over at Jeremy who was on the couch. “Hey, do you want to uh, show him your room?” Evan nodded and looked over at Jeremy. Jeremy huffed then followed Evan up the steps. 

“Do you have like, a guest room I can be in?” Jeremy said as they walked into Evan’s room.

“U-h, um, n-no, sorry.” Evan tugged on the hum of his shirt. “My-my-my mom said that-that-that we would uh, share a room?” He stuttered. Jeremy sighed as he spun around in Evan’s desk chair.  “S-sorry?” 

“It’s fine, I don’t care.”

-

Dinner was very awkward, to say the least. Heidi ordered pizza and she and Peter were the only ones who actually maintained holding a conversation. Jeremy said some things here and there, only because he had to. The whole, insert obligatory ‘good’ when asked about how his day was, or how school was. Dumb questions like that that just made the teenager even more annoyed, because  _ it was so obvious he was annoyed _ . And Evan just kept his mouth shut. 

“You must be so excited to start your senior year tomorrow, Evan.” Mr. Heere said. Evan almost choked on his pizza.

“W-what?” He managed to say.

“What? Did you not know that today was the last day of summer?” He ruffled his hair. This time Jeremy almost choked on his drink.

“Wait what?” He almost yelled. “We’re moving in the day before school starts?” Evan winced. 

“Honey, is everything alright?” Heidi tried to help. “It’s okay, we’ll get your furniture here tonight.” Jeremy stood up.

“I uh, need to use the bathroom.” He then stormed away and left Evan in shock. Jeremy had already taken his phone of his pocket by the time he slammed the bathroom door shut behind him. Running his non-dominant hand through brown locks, he took a seat on the edge of the bathtub. 

  


**From: Jeremy                     To: Michael**

**Can you hang  tmmrw? (6:12)**

  


**From: Michael                    To: Jeremy**

**Yeah, sure. How’s Ethan? (6:13)**

  


**From: Jeremy                     To: Michael**

***Evan. He’s an anxious wreck. I kinda feel bad for him tbh (6:13)**

  


**From: Michael                    To: Jeremy**

**That sucks man, (6:14)**

  


**From: Jeremy                     To: Michael**

**Yeah, I know (6:14)**

-

After they got Jeremy’s furniture in Evan’s room, Jeremy ended up on with a closet on his side of the window, while Evan got the window- with all the beautiful view and wasted usage of sneaking out to do god knows what in the middle of the night. Evan fell asleep fast, surprising for a boy so anxious. Jeremy however, couldn’t sleep. He was never fond of the idea of sleeping in the same room as a stranger, and he’s pretty sure a majority of the population agrees. It was around 12:30 when he decided to take residence on the couch downstairs. He was about to fall asleep before his dad came in. 

"Jere you have a bed for a reason." Peter said, nudging his son’s shoulder lightly. The corner of his lips were pulled down into a tight frown.  

"Yeah, well, people take naps on a couch all the time, I'm just using it to its full potential." Mr. Heere sighed, shaking his head a little before walking back to bed. 

  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, Japo here. Just a quickie, but yeah Creator and I decided to do a collab after I suggested doing one, and she expressed a want to writing this fanfiction. So ta-da, this work of fiction is now in existence.
> 
> Also, I know I keep saying I'm done writing deh until further notice, but like, I can't keep lying to myself. What the heck.
> 
> ANYWAYS, please check out Creator and I's other works- I have a lot of oneshots, and Creator is currently writing multichaptered fic on her own called "If Connor Survived", and is v cute. Please check it out, she deserves all the comments and kudos.


	2. What Where You Doing in a Tree?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jeremy and Evan walk to school and Evan gets picked on by Chloe, Brooke, and Jenna. Connor then shoves him and he gets an anxiety attack and runs into a bathroom stall. Jeremy later goes searching for him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is based on real places in New York! If you Google, Bronx Leadership Academy High School, it is an actual place, and the street that Evan and Jeremy live on, Topping Ave and the apartments are real!

Jeremy was woken up that morning by his alarm on his phone. He groaned as he looked at the time. 7:15 it read. School starts at 8:00. He stood up and picked up his blanket and pillow and stumbled up the stairs, half asleep. He tripped at one point, but if anyone asked, it didn’t happen. Opening the door to his and Evan’s room, Jeremy glanced Evan, who was still sleeping peacefully. He was sleeping on his right side, towards the window, to not put pressure on his cast. Jeremy looked over at his computer. _Maybe he won’t wake up?_ Jeremy put his blanket and pillow on his bed and started up his computer. He looked over at Evan. _Still asleep._ He then loaded up his program until Evan’s alarm went off. Jeremy immediately shut his laptop.

 

Evan sat up and turned off his alarm. He then looked at Jeremy, confused about what he was doing.

 

“Um, J-Jeremy?” Evan mumbled.

 

“I-I was just checking my email.” Jeremy blurted. Evan nodded as he sat up. He reached into his medicine box and took out two pills. He took out his water bottle and drank them with the pills. “Woah, Evan, I didn’t think that _you_ would take drugs?” Evan almost choked.

 

“I-it’s n-n-not drugs, um, it-it’s for my-my anxiety? S-sorry…” He drifted. Jeremy opened his mouth for a second, about to tell the other teen that they’re still drugs, even if prescribed, but just shut his mouth and nodded instead. Evan took out his laptop and started to type something on a google doc as Jeremy took out a pair of blue jeans and slid them on. Evan looked away and kept typing.  

 

Dear Evan Hansen, Today’s gonna be a god day and here’s why:

Because… because… All you have to be is yourself?

 

“Hey, boys,” She said smiling. Evan quickly shut his laptop “It’s seven-thirty, breakfast it on the table if you want some.” Evan shook it head.

 

“I’m, uh, not hungry...” Evan mumbled. Jeremy took out his phone and pretended to be busy.

 

“Honey, you need to eat. You barely had anything last night.” Evan took his bag and stood up.

 

“Oh, I’m, um, I wasn’t hungry...” He drifted again.

 

“You have to be able to take care of yourself when I’m not here.” She sat Evan down on his bed and took a seat next to him. “You’re a senior in high school now, you have to be able to order dinner for yourself if I’m at work. You can do it online now. You don’t have to talk to anyone on the phone. I know you don’t like the phone.”

 

“But you see that’s not true actually,” He started to ramble. “You have to talk to the delivery person when they some to the door. Then they have to make change. You have to stand there while they make change. You have to stand there while it’s silent and they’re counting the change and…” Evan forgot that Jeremy was still in the room.

 

“This is what you’re supposed to be working on Evan. With Dr. Sherman? Talking to people. Engaging with people. Not running away from people.” Evan picked at his cast. “I know you are going to get a lot better. That’s why I made you an appointment with Dr. Sherman for this afternoon. I’ll pick you up right after school.”

 

“I-I already have an appointment for next week.” He blurted.

 

“And I thought you could use something a little bit sooner. Have you been writing those letters he wants you to do? “ Evan tried to cut her off.

 

“Uh, Jeremy, you c-can leave if you want…” Jeremy nodded and left the room.

 

“Those letters to yourself?” Heidi continued. “Pep talks? ‘Dear Evan Hansen, today’s going to be a good day and here’s why?’ Have you been doing those?” She asked. Evan tugged on the hum of his shirt.

 

“I started writing one, I’ll finish it at school,” Evan mumbled.

 

“I don’t want another year of you sitting at home on your computer every night saying that you have no friends.” There was a pause.

 

“Neither do I…”

 

-

 

She left the room. Jeremy walked back in and Evan walked to his dresser. He took off his t-shirt and found a light blue polo shirt and brown pants. Jeremy put on a blue, white and red striped shirt and a blue jacket. He looked over at Evan.

 

“Do you wear anything other than polo shirts?” He asked. Evan winced a bit.

 

“U-m, well,  u-uh yeah, of course, I-I do, uh… these a-are just comfortable I-I guess?” He gave a nervous chuckle. Jeremy hummed in response.

  
  


They headed into the kitchen, just simple, eggs, bacon, and pop-tarts. Evan only took a few bites of his food before they went out to walk to school.

  


**From: Jeremy                     To: Michael**

**Hey can you walk with us to school? I don’t want there to be an awkward silence or anything (7:34)**

 

It was a minute or two before Michael responded.

 

**From: Michael                    To: Jeremy**

**Yea, sure! What street is your apartment building on? (7:37)**

 

**From: Jeremy                     To: Michael**

**Topping Ave. (7:37)**

 

**From: Michael                    To: Jeremy**

**On my way (7:38)**

 

“Hey, uh where’s dad?” Jeremy looked around. He expected to see him on the couch watching TV or something. Heidi looked up from the counter.

 

“Oh, your father is at an interview, dear, for work?” She said pouring her coffee.

 

“An interview?” _Wow. I guess he really wants this to work out._ There was a pause.

“Evan, hey, I know-you can go around today and ask the other kids to sign your cast, how about that?” Evan looked away.

 

“Perfect.” He mumbled.

 

“I’m proud of you already.” She replied.

 

“Oh, good…” He drifted off again. Jeremy noticed that Evan does that a lot. He drifts off his sentence like if no one was listening or he wasn’t there.

 

“Uh, Evan, is it okay if Michael walks with us?” Jeremy said. Evan was picking at his cast.

 

“Um-um, w-who? I-It’s fine actually, I d-don’t mind…”

 

“Oh, right, Michael’s my best friend. We’ve known each other for like, twelve years.” There was a buzz at the InterCall.

 

_“Hey Jeremy, it’s me, Michael, I’m waiting outside.”_ Jeremy sat up and grabbed his bag,

 

“Yea, that’s him.” He said walking towards the door. “Uh, Evan are you coming?” He said as he slid on his shoes.

 

“Oh, um, yea…”  He stood up and walked towards the door. “Um, bye mom.” Evan said as they both exited the apartment. They both took the elevator down in silence. They got to the front door, and Michael was there waiting for them.

 

“Ayy, Jeremy!” They did their little hand-shake, then started walking down the street. “Hey, you must be Evan, the really anxious-” Jeremy cut him off.

 

“Zip it.” Evan winced a bit.

 

“N-no it’s fine… I, uh,  I, d-don’t mind… um, Michael is it?” He at least wanted to try to be friends. Like Heidi said, he didn’t want to spend another year of saying that he has no friends.

 

“Yeah,” Michael turned to Jeremy and started talking about whatever. “I saw on Discovery the other night that humanity stopped evolving!”

 

“That’s uh, good?” Jeremy asked. They reached a crosswalk. There was a crowd of students, teachers, people going to work and other people that started to form. Evan felt his stomach filling up with dread.

 

“Evolution's the survival of the fittest, right? But now, because of technology, you don't have to be strong to survive! Which means there's never been a better time in history to be a loser!” At this point, Evan was breathing heavy and some people started to stare. Michael stopped talking.

 

“Woa, Evan are you okay?” Jeremy tried to help. Evan couldn’t speak. He put his hands around his head. Jeremy and Michael helped him cross the road and stopped at a bench. Evan was shaking.

 

“Are you okay? Do you need a drink or something?” Michael offered. Evan shook his head. Jeremy started to rub circles on his back out of pity, to calm him down.

 

“S-sor-sor-sorry,” Evan stuttered.

 

“It’s okay, don’t be sorry, it’s okay,” Jeremy said. After Evan stopped shaking and was breathing normally again, they started to walk towards the next intersection which lead to a small bridge over a highway. “You okay with walking over a bridge?” Jeremy didn’t want Evan to have another anxiety attack and cause attention. Evan nodded in response.

 

“Uh, yeah, sorry about tha-that.” He mumbled.

 

“It’s fine.” They walked down Clay Ave. and reached E 173rd street. Jeremy had Google maps open on his phone, because he wasn’t very familiar with this part of the city. They reached Webster Ave and made it to school. Bronx Leadership Academy High School was written on the top of the entrance. Evan took a breath before he walked in. Immediately, Jared Kleinman walked over to talk to him. Jeremy and Michael assuming that they were friends, walked away to their own homerooms and such.

 

“Is it weird to be the first person in history to break their arm from-” Evan cut him off.

 

“Please do-don’t finish that sentence, Jared.” Jared laughed.

 

“Okay, then how _did_ you break your arm?” Evan blinked at him, before looking around, his hands immediately grasping onto the hem of his polo, fingers sliding and pulling at the fabric.

 

“I, uh…” _Continuing with this lie I guess…_ ”I, uh was climbing a tree, and… I fell.” Jared laughed again.

 

“You fell out of a tree? What are you, an acorn?” This time Jared’s comment caught some attention. A group of Junior girls started to walk by. One tall brunette, one slightly shorter blonde and another brunette who was a little on the heavier side.

 

“You _fell_ from a tree?” The tall one asked. Evan froze. He opened his mouth but couldn’t speak.

 

“Chloe, and then Madeline was all like-” _Chloe apparently was the tall one’s name, and the round girl is Jenna?_

 

“Jenna, zip it.” Chloe snapped. “What were you doing in a tree?” Evan felt his hands get sweaty and people starting to stare.

 

“I,I uh, um, I uh, um, uh” Evan stuttered. No one said anything. “I, um, climbed th-this forty-foot-tall oak tree…” He drifted hoping that people would go away and not care. But no one moved.

 

“And you fell?” The blonde one asked. Evan winced a bit.

 

“Well, except, It-It-It’s a funny story b-be-because there was this-this solid t-t-ten minutes a-after I fell… when I-I just laid t-t-there on the ground w-w-wating f-for someone to c-come and ge-get me…” Evan didn’t realize the tears fogging up his eyes until one rolled down his cheek. _No no no no no no no no no, this can’t be happening, please tell me this is some sort of dream. Please let me wake up. Please please please…_ But he didn’t walk up. Evan looked down. “Any second now, I kept telling myself… Any second now… here they come…” Evan took a step back. There was a pause.

 

“Did anyone come?” The blonde one asked. Evan was shaking now.

 

“N-no. Nobody came. T-that’s wh-what’s funny, I-I guess…” Evan picked at his cast.

 

“Brooke!” Chole snapped.

 

“Jesus Christ…” Jared turned to walk away. Evan tried to too, but was stopped by Chloe.

 

“Are you crying?”  Evan took a step back and backed into someone.

 

“Oh my god, so-sorry!” He turned around to see Connor there, irritated. Evan froze. He tried to say something to break the silence. And the fact that he some tears falling off his face. “Uh, um, nice haircut Connor?” He gave him a cold stare.

 

“Back off Connor, can’t you see that you’re scaring him, you freak?” Chloe said. Connor shifted his glared to her. Evan  wanted to disappear and be gone from this situation. Connor then looked at Evan again.

 

“You think I’m a freak?” Chloe walked away with Brooke and Jenna, leaving Evan alone.

 

“No-no I don’t-” Connor stopped towards Evan.

 

“I’m not the freak!”

 

“No-I-I-I-wasn’t-”

 

“You’re the fucking freak!” Connor forcefully shoved him into the ground and storms away. People just walked around him. Evan slowly stood up and looked around. Jeremy was nowhere to be seen. Neither was Michael, Jared, or anyone who would even care about what just happened. He wiped tears off his face and walked quickly to the nearest bathroom. He almost ran inside and into the last stall. He locked the door, sat down, and hugged his knees. _Today’s not going to be a good day. It’s never going to be… Because why would it?_

 

-

  


The teacher in Jeremy’s homeroom started to call attendance and checked off the names as each person raised their hand. “Christine Canigula…” _Nice, Christine’s in my homeroom._ “Rich Goranski.... Jeremy Heere,” Jeremy raised his hand. The teacher nodded. “...Evan Hansen,”

Jeremy was surprised when he heard Evan’s name for attendance. First of all, Evan was in his homeroom? Wasn’t he a senior? Second of all, Evan wasn’t there. He assumed he’d gotten lost or something, but he never showed up.

 

The teacher continued to call names until homeroom was over. The teacher handed out the schedules for each student as they left the room.

 

“Um, I can take Evan’s for him, I saw him earlier today.” Jeremy asked. The teacher shrugged and handed Jeremy his and Evan’s schedules for the day. Jeremy walked to his first period, English, room 134. He set his backpack down on a seat and asked the teacher to use the bathroom. Then he ran to the closest bathroom and checked the stalls. No one was there. He ran to the next bathroom and checked the stalls. Empty. He checked on final one near the entrance of the school. He walked in and saw Rich Goranski there. Jeremy ran into one of the stalls to avoid talking.

“Stalls are for girls. You a girl, Jeremy?” Jeremy didn’t respond. “I’m talking to you tall-ass!” He pounded his fist into the wall.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! We have an update schedule now! Tuesday's and Thursday's, now how 'bout that? I think it's pretty neat how we have a schedule now, feels more organized.


	3. It's From Japan

Jeremy stepped out of the stall. “Why do you keep calling me that? I’m not evan that tall… and how do you talk when… you know…”

“Confidence.” Jeremy nodded and looked away. Rich huffed, his brow furrowing, twitching a little. His lips moved quickly, whispering to himself about lord knows what. 

“Ok, um, I’ll go now…”

“Don’t move!” Rich stops him. “You don’t remember me frethmen year do you?” Jeremy took a step back.

“You didn’t go here freshmen year?” Rich cut him off.

“Y-Yeth I did! You juth didn’t notith. Nobody did.” Rich cleared his lisp. “Freshmen year, I was a loser just like you. Everytime I would walk the hallways I would trip! And I was so awkward too!” Jeremy didn’t understand what was going on.

“If you were a loser, then how did you become so popular? Is this some sort of prank?” Jeremy turned to the door.

“No, just listen tall-ass!” Jeremy flinched. “Sorry, it’s just, my squip tells me to call you that.” Jeremy relaxed.

“Your squip?” Jeremy lifted an eyebrow.

“It’s from japan…”

“I’ve just never heard of it before.” In all of Jeremy’s health classes, they talked about drugs and how bad they are and stuff. But he never heard of a squip?

“That’s the point. This is some top-secret-can’t-even-look-it-up-on-the-internet, shit.”  _ If you can’t find it on the internet, then how do I know it actually exists? _ “It’s a grey oblong pill,” Rich started to do strange hand gestures. “Quantum nanotechnology CPU. The quantum computer in the pill will travel though your blood until it implants in your brain and tells you what to do…”  _ Like speaking in rhymes?  _

“So it’s like…” Jeremy looked around to make sure no one else was in the bathroom. “... drugs?” Rich chuckled.

“It’s better than drugs Jeremy…picture this, no one would care if you’re late! Even teachers like you! You get the girl or boy of your dreams-”

“Wait, boy?” Jeremy’s face scrunched up a little, brow furrowed. He was pretty sure he was  _ straight _ . 

“Yeah, that boy, uh red hoodie, big headphones,” Rich gestured with his hands. “Is he not your boyfriend?” 

“What no! We’re just friends!” Jeremy quickly shook his head, his hands up and moving slightly, disproving what Rich had said.  _ Does this mean that other people think he’s my boyfriend? He is my only friend and we hang out a lot… oh god damn it. . .  _ Jeremy scoffed internally. He’ll think about it some other time, a time when he’s  _ not  _ in the bathroom and potentially buying drugs off of Rich. 

“No judgement! I’ve seen it all before.” He chuckled a bit. “Anyways, the squip. If you go behind ‘Stop ‘n Go’ by the school, a guy there will sell you one for six hundred dollars-” Jeremy cut him off.

“Six hundred?!” That’s an insane price  _ drugs _ . He could understand if it was something like crack cocaine or methamphetamines (hell, he knew an  _ ounce _ of marijuana costs at least $250-$350 illegally), but six hundred? For just  _ one _ pill? Thats all of his money saved up since he was little. Jeremy narrowed his eyes.  _ Sounds like a scam. Probably  _ is _ a scam. _

“Look it’s worth it!” Jeremy sighed. Rolling his eyes, he turned his back to Rich, going to leave the bathroom. Before he was able to leave the restroom, Rich placed a hand on his shoulder, leaning forward to glance up and make eye contact. “Just, think about it okay? This could change your life.”

-

It was lunchtime, Evan was at the computer lab, Jeremy and Michael were eating lunch. Evan finished writing his therapy letter.

 

_ Dear Evan Hansen, _

_ Turns out this wasn’t an amazing day after all. This isn’t going to be an amazing week or an amazing year, because why would it be? _

_ I know, because there’s... someone, and all my hope is pinned on someone, who I don’t even know, and doesn’t know me. Maybe if I could just talk to them. Maybe nothing would be different at all. I wish everything was different. _

_ I wish I was part of something. I wish that anything I said mattered to anyone. I mean face it, would anyone notice if I just disappeared tomorrow? _

_ Sincerely, _

_ Your most best, and dearest friend, me. _

 

Evan sighed as he pressed the print button to the computer lab’s printer. He took out his phone to check the time. 12:15 it read. He had about an hour to spend in the library later. He stood up to get his paper when he saw Connor Murphy reaching for it. 

“So. What happened to your arm?” He asked. This time he wasn’t as angry as before. Evan winced.

“Oh, I um, fell out of a tree actually.” He hated that he had to lie to everyone about his arm. It was eating him up inside. He wanted to vent. He wanted to tell someone everything. Maybe they’ll understand. Maybe they would be able to help him… maybe they won’t. 

“You fell out of a tree?” Connor said. He raised an eyebrow. “That is just the saddest fucking thing I’ve ever heard. Oh my God.” Connor couldn’t help but laugh. Evan tried to laugh along. 

“... I know…” Evan tried to say something. Connor looked down at Evan’s cast. 

“No one’s signed your cast?” This was kinda confusing to him, seeing that earlier there was a croud around him.

“... I know… I don’t uh, have friends?” He didn’t know what else to say. 

“I’ll sign it.” Evan froze. He looked into Connor’s eyes, for once, not filled with anger. His eyes were a mainly a solid, bright blue, with a spot of brown in the right eye. It was odd, but it was interesting- he never saw eyes like that before. He didn’t realize that he was staring until Connor spoke up. “Do you have a sharpie?” Evan patted around his pockets looking for one that he put there this morning. He looked at it before giving it to Connor. He took a step closer and grabbed the marker.

“You don’t have to-” Connor grabbed Evan’s arm roughly, causing the blonde to let out a yelp of pain. Connor meant to say sorry but all he could say was a little “oh.” Evan looked away as Connor wrote his name in big, blocky letters, to hide a small blush scattered across his face. “Oh, thanks.” Evan said as he looked back at his cast. He takes the marker back and turns to put it in his backpack. He realizes that Connor still has his paper.

“Oh, is this yours? I found it on the printer. “Evan Hansen”, That’s your name right?” Evan nodded. He reached to take the paper back but, Connor turned to look at it. Evan felt his head begin to clutter up with thoughts. His stomach drop and his palms grew sweaty. Suddenly he couldn’t talk, couldn’t breathe. “...Evan? Do you…  have like a crush or something-” Connor noticed Evan having a anxiety attack from across the room. “Wha-Evan,” Connor dropped the paper and walked towards Evan, who was shaking, leaning on the desk behind him. Connor brought over a chair for Evan to sit on and relax. 

“S-s-s-s-sor-rry-” Evan never heard himself stutter so much. 

“No, no don’t be sorry, just uh, try to focus on your breathing?” Connor tried to help. He sat down next to Evan and started to rub soothing circles on his back. He looked around the room. “Um, what can I do to help?” Evan didn’t know why Connor was being to nice. He couldn’t exactly think right now, his thoughts jamming up together, the world around him feeling like it was just falling apart. Evan’s hands were shaking as he wiped tears from his face.

“J-j-j-just, ta-at-talk a-a-about some-some-something…” Evan learned a lot about handling anxiety attacks with other people and he learned that it helped him to listen to other people talk and to focus on that to help him calm down. 

“Uh, so one time in second grade I threw a printer at my teacher-shit-uh,” Evan hiccuped. “Uh, one time I was in a school play and I tripped on a prop and it made half the set come down, um… When I was little I was really into comic books and my favorite character was Spider-Man. And one time I jumped off my bed, cause I thought that if I wore the outfit and the silly string web shooter I could do things like Spider-Man and I ended up breaking my foot. Pffff.” He couldn’t help but laugh a bit at himself. Evan was breathing slower now. “Uh Zoe showed me how to pierce my ears and I almost got an eyebrow piercing in middle school until she burnt herself piercing my ears a second time… uh, are you feeling alright now?” Evan looked up.

“...Yeah... thanks,” He said in between breaths. Connor bit his lip and looked around the room.

“Yeah, uh, I didn’t know what really to say, some of those stories are  _ really  _ fucking stupid.” He laughed at himself a bit.

“You, uh… y-you pierced y-your ears?” Evan was breathing normally now, and wasn’t shaking any more. Connor pulled his hair back to show a few earrings on his ear. “Oh, cool.” Evan looked down and fidgeted with his hands. A pause. 

“Um, thanks for, helping me and… stuff… sorry.” Evan mumbled.

“Yeah, uh, no problem…” There was an awkward silence. Evan looked over at the paper on the ground, then back at Connor. “Oh, right,” He stood up, walked over, and grabbed the paper from the floor. There was some dirt from the filthy school tiles that got on the paper. He handed it to Evan. 

“Uh, um I uh um, oh, um.. thanks.” Evan stammered as he took the paper. Connor smirked. He walked towards the door and looked back at Evan, who was now putting the paper into his backpack. “Hey, do you want to, um may-maybe go to the library or something?” 

“Sure.” Evan followed him out the door. 

 

 

“Remember earlier when I was talking about humanity not evolving?” Michael said as he took out his lunch. Jeremy was zoned out. “Hey, Jere!” Michael waved his hand in front of his face. “Earth to Jeremy-”

“Pshhhh cut it out.” Jeremy laughed.

“You know it’s kinda creepy that you stalk her for that five minutes she is at the lunch line, don’t you think?” Jeremy rolled his eyes. Every day Christeene would go to the lunch line and get a salad or bagel. Since her lunch table was on the other side of the cafeteria, this was the only time Jeremy could see her, without anyone noticing, well, besides Michael of course. 

“Woa- Michael look!” He pointed to where Christeen was standing, near the bulletin board. “She’s signing up for the school play! I-I should sign up for the play! T-that way I can talk to her!” Michael sighed. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” He looked up at Jeremy. “Just, when you two start dating or something, don’t forget about me.” He picked at his backpack. He looked over at Jeremy’s then. There was “BOYF” written in big letters on the front. “Wait… did Rich write that on your backpack?” Jeremy rolled his eyes.

“Yea, I don’t even understand what it means-” Michael set the backpacks next to each other. Together it spelt “BOYF RIENDS” Michael laughed as Jeremy took his backpack back from embarrassment. He looked back at the bulletin board. There where a lot more names now, only a few spaces left. “I’m going to go sign up, ok?”

“You sure?” Michael laughed a bit. “Well if you wimp out now, I’ll totally make fun of you.” They both stood up and started walking to the poster until-

“Wait, is that-Evan?” From across the room they saw Evan and Connor walking towards the library. 

“Woa, with Connor Murphy? He’s gonna get your brother high or something!” Jeremy looked around to make sure no one was listing.

“H-he’s not my  _ brother _ !” 

“Jeezz, step brother or whatever! He’s hanging out with  _ Connor Murphy _ ! How is a kid like Evan, anxious and innocent, with Connor?” Michael relaxed and smiled a bit. They looked like they were having a bit of fun. He happened to notice blushes scattered across their faces. Michael looked up at Jeremy, who was still deciding whether or not to sign up for the school play. “Uh, dude, look.” He pointed to Evan, who was grabbing on the hum of his shirt, and looking like he was rambling about something.

“Wait,” Jeremy squinted his eyes. “It’s fine, lets go sign up.” Michael stopped him there.

“Uh,  _ You’re _ signing up, I don’t want to make fun of myself!” He laughed to lightened the mood. Jeremy gave a slight smile in return. He walked towards the sign. It was on yellow paper and in big purple letters read “SCHOOL PLAY”. Underneath it was a sheet of lined paper with Christeen’s name on the top, written in curly handwriting. He grabbed the pen and carefully wrote his name under her’s. 

“GAY!” Rich came out of nowhere, with all the popular kids laughing too. Brooke, Jake, Jenna, Chole, everyone. 

“Haha.. I like gay people…” Chole laughed as she went back to her lunch table. Michael ran up to Jeremy.

“Hey, don’t listen to them, it’s fine,” They turned around to walk back to their lunch table.  


	4. I Don't Hate You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor and Evan go to the library and vent a little but start to become close friends. They walk home with Jeremy and Michael and tease about crushes.

Evan and Connor picked a corner in the nature section of the library to sit down in and hang out. It was in the very back, with old bean bags and fairy lights around. The window had a little sunlight shining onto a large plant. The bookshelf was a light brown, with books of many shade of green, brown, and other soft colors. There were a few old reading posters, one was slightly toward and read “OPEN A BOOK, GROW YOUR MIND” and had a picture of a plant growing out of a book [(here)](https://www.google.com/search?q=reading+posters&rlz=1CADEAC_enUS762US762&source=lnms&tbm=isch&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwj05s_N2ZrbAhXErFkKHUSQAX4Q_AUICigB&biw=1366&bih=629&safe=active&ssui=on#imgrc=XUu2ZKdByyuGRM:). The other poster said “SO MANY BOOKS, SO LITTLE TIME” and was written with a fancy font [(here)](https://encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcRE-kZrZtRxOkcSX1C0zfMKNUkX5u1rn2X63Mts7Ol-vFQG2QNVYA). Evan sat down on one of the bean bags next to the plant. Connor sat on the bean bag next to him and watched as Evan carefully set his bag down next to him and got out a book from under a sweatshirt behind the bean bags.

“You must hang out here a lot?” Connor said. Evan looked up.

“Uh, yea… I-I guess… I d-don’t have anywhere else t-t-to really go… so, uh… I j-just hang out here.” He opened the book and flipped through the pages to where he left a post-it note as a bookmark. The pages had many little post-it notes and papers jumbled in them.

“Why do you hide the book?” Connor knew it was a stupid question, but he was kinda curious. Evan’s eyes scattered across the room.

“Uh, um,” He started to fidgeting, fingers rubbing against the fabric of his shirt methodically. “I c-couldn’t check i-it out of the l-library, so-so-so I just, uh, h-hide it I guess? I’m sorry.” Evan stammered. Connor laughed a bit to himself. “It-it-it’s cause I’d have to wait in line, and it w-w-would be so awkward just standing there, not talking to anybody, and my hand would get sweaty and I didn’t want to get the book sweaty so I would set it down on the counter beside me, then someone would look, and probably judge me or something and think I was being impatient, but I’m very patient, at least I think. Uh, so um, by then,” He took a breath. When he wasn’t stuttering a lot, he was rambling and talking really fast. Considering how fast he talked sometimes, he would probably do well in debate, sans the rebuttals, and the asking questions, and just everything about it. Damn his anxiety. “Um, and, so I um, just hid it? Sorry I was rambling, I do that a lot, sorry...” He drifted.

“You also apologize a lot.” Evan forced a chuckle. “Why do you keep doing that?” Evan felt his stomach drop.

“D-do what?”

“You know, force a laugh or something.” He searched Connor’s face for any expression, he didn’t know what to say.

“I uh, um, uh, uh…” He mumbled. There was a pause. Evan kept opening his mouth to speak, then closing it again. Hoping that Connor would change the topic or something, he looked around the room. “I guess it’s uh because um, uh… I don’t know?” Connor shrugged and leaned back against the beanbag.

“Hm.” He said, deciding to change the subject. Evan picked at his cast. “Uh, sorry that I pushed you in the hallway earlier today, that was fucking stupid. I made a scene and left you there. I still can’t believe you aren’t afraid of me or something.”

“Afraid?” Evan heard his voice crack a little.

“I fucking shoved you to the ground right in front of the three most popular girls in the school. How do you _not_ hate me?” There was a bit of destress in the tone of Connor’s voice. Almost like he wanted to scream or cry.

“I-I don’t hate you.” Evan looked him dead in the eye.

“You hesitated.” Connor looked away and put his head down a bit, to let his hair cover his face.

“Connor!” Evan almost shouted. This surprised both of them. “I always hesit-hesit-hesit-you know what I mean.” Evan sat the book down without looking at it. “You’re the only person that cared to talk to me, you helped me just then in the computer lab, we’re here in the library right now!” Connor ran his hand through his hair to reveal light tear marks on his pale skin. “If you’re so awful as a person as you think you are, then why are you here with me? Why did you help me?” There was a pause. Evan shifted his body to face Connor. “You aren’t as bad as a person as you think you are.” Connor smiled a bit.

“Thanks, Hansen.”

-

Jeremy and Michael were at the front entrance looking for Evan. Jeremy had his phone out but realized that he didn’t have Evan’s number. _Shit._ “Well, it shouldn’t be that hard to find him right? Just an anxious kid right?” Jeremy said.

“Yeah, that’s just about all the freshmen.” Michael laughed. Jeremy sighed. He looked through the crowd and spotted a tall senior with long hair that reached his shoulders talking to someone slightly shorter with honey hair. As they got closer he noticed the striped shirt and familiar cast.

“There’s Evan,” Jeremy mumbled.

“With Connor Murphy again.” Michael finished his sentence. They turned around to wait outside and heard a snicker from behind. They didn’t notice that they were standing next to each other so their backpacks spelled “BOYF RIENDS”.

“Pfft.” It was Connor. “Evan, is this your brother?” Evan was picking at his cast.

“W-well uh, stepbrother- b-but our parents aren’t- it’s complicated, uh,” He chuckled nervously. “Uh, uh Jeremy, is it okay t-t-that Connor comes over? I k-kinda invited h-him, uh, sorry, I um,” Jeremy shrugged.

“Sure, okay I guess.” He looked up at Connor who was towering over him. _How did Evan out of all people become friends with someone so intimidating?_ “Oh, yeah, uh, I’m Jeremy and this Michael my-”

“Boyfriend?” Both Jeremy and Michael forced a laugh. “Nothing wrong with that-”

“No, uh, we’re just friends,” Michael said. “Uh, Rich, a bully I guess, wrote that on our backpacks.” Connor nodded. The group started to walk out the door and onto the sidewalk.“Oh, Connor signed your cast?” Evan looked up.

“Uh, um, yeah… um,” Evan blushed a little. “Sorry if there’s not enough room, for you to sign…” Evan drifted. They stopped at an intersection.

“No worries!” Michael grabbed a red fine-point sharpie and signed his name by Evan’s knuckles. Evan smiled.

“Uh, um thanks!” _Is this what it feels like to have friends?_ They crossed the street and Evan didn’t feel as anxious walking with a group. Of course, there was still those voices in his head that would never go away, but he felt safe. Like he blend in. He never felt like that when he walked alone.

“Did you hear about the movie Infinity war? I saw it and dude, it was the best movie I ever saw.” Jeremy said as they walked across the street.

“Oh, yeah I’ve seen that movie. It’s so fucking good. Especially when-”

“DON’T SPOIL IT!” Michael cut Connor off. Evan winced a bit. “Please, I _really_ want to see it.” Connor and Jeremy laughed a bit.

“I-I haven't seen it yet… I’m really in-into Marvel stuff though,” Evan mumbled. “I really liked Thor Ragnarok.” Michael nodded.

“Yeah, but Civil War was the best.” Michael shrugged. They reached another intersection and waited.

“What about Homecoming? That was really good?” Jeremy said.

“We’ve all seen a lot of Spider-Man movies,” Michael justified. “Anyways, Tom Holland-”

“Don’t insult Tom Holland!” Jeremy hissed. Connor laughed.

“What, do you have a crush on him or something?” Michael couldn’t help but laugh. Evan just stood there on the side, not really in the conversation. The group crossed the road once they saw the pedestrian walking sign lit up. Jeremy blushed a little at the comment.

“N-no! You know who I… nevermind!” Jeremy looked away. Connor cocked an eyebrow.

“You know who I what?” They all laughed except Jeremy. “Do you have a crush like Evan”

“What?” Jeremy spat out. Evan smile quickly faded and he froze. Silence. They crossed the small bridge and were close to Jeremy and Evan’s apartment.

“Uh,uh Connor what are you talking about?” Evan looked up at Connor and tried to send him some sort of message to change the subject.

“Evan had a crush?” Michael questioned. “On who?” Evan felt the sweat on his back. Was he blushing, god he was probably blushing. _Now they would know it was- no it’s fine just relax and change the subject or something._

“Uh, um I’m not saying cause you won’t say Jeremy’s and that’s fine and uh, yeah!” Evan spat out. He talked so fast, it took the rest of the group a second to process. Thankfully they were at their apartment. “Um, uh lemme get the keys,” Evan said as he dug through his backpack.

“Why do you need the keys?” Jeremy asked. “Can’t we just buzz in?” They were at the front steps.

“Uh, um, well uh, my mom’s at work and uh, your dad is doing interviews, right?” Jeremy shrugged as Evan unlocked the door and let everyone in. They walked into the small lobby and into the elevator. It was quiet and the silence that was beginning to be a little awkward lasted for approximately a minute or so. They finally got to their apartment and Michael and Jeremy plopped down on the couch. “Uh, do you want to hang out in my-our room or something?” Connor shrugged and followed Evan up the steps.

“Here, wait, we’re coming,” Jeremy sat up and they all went to Evan’s and Jeremy’s shared bedroom.

“It kinda sucks that you have to share a room,” Michael said sitting down onto a bean bag. Evan sat on his bed, Jeremy sat on his and Connor sat on the other bean bag.

 


	5. Mario Kart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jeremy, Micheal, Connor, and Evan hang out for the afternoon playing Mario Kart. Connor decides to spend the night over and Evan is questioning life.

There was a lot of awkward tension in the room, mainly because no one knew what to say. Michael leaned over and turned on Jeremy’s switch, grabbing a controller while he was at it.

“Uh, you guys wanna play Mario Kart?” Connor shrugged and picked up one of the small controllers.

“Sure, but you can’t cry when I get in first place and beat you.” He laughed a bit to himself and tossed a controller to Evan. 

“Oh-I um, I’m not very good- uh” Evan stuttered as he picked up the controller on his bed. 

“It’s fine, we’ll do teams,” Jeremy said. “Michael will be on my team, and you’ll be on Connor’s.” Evan nodded and looked up at the screen. Jeremy picked Link as his character, Michael chose Yoshi, and Connor chose Dry-Bones. 

“W-who are the new characters?” It has been a while since Evan played a Mario game, well, ten years actually. There were two new squid characters? And a yellow dog? And some other characters that he didn’t recognize. 

“Jeremy’s playing as Link, from Legends of Zelda,” Michael said without looking up. “The squid people are inklings from Splatoon, and the dog is Isabelle from Animal Crossing.” Evan nodded. He picked Isabelle as his character and they started the race. Connor was immediately in first, with Michael and Jeremy following close behind. The track was the original Mario Kart track, but they went onto the walls at some point? Evan was in last, slowly catching up with the rest. Jeremy apparently got a blue shell and threw it at Connor, making him come in second. 

“Fuck you!” Connor hissed. Jeremy laughed a bit. He went to press the button to continue to the next race, but Connor stopped him. “Wait, Evan sit over here.” Connor moved a bit on the bean bag to give him space. Evan quickly sat down next to Connor. “Press this button when the countdown's on two. Then press this to use your item, hold the drift for a boost and…” Connor continued to re-teach Evan how to play the game. By the time the next race started, Evan was more confident. Evan ended up getting in fifth place, right behind a computer, Micheal, and Jeremy. Connor was in first, obviously. It was a bit awkward, at first, with Evan and Connor sitting side-by-side, but they got over it. They played the game for about an hour or so before Jeremy's dad got home. They heard the front door open, Jeremy sat up.

"Hey, boys!" His dad yelled up the stairs. Minutes later he knocked on the door was said hi. "Hey, Michael."

"Hi Mr. Heere," He said without looking up.

"H-hey, uh, um, hi," Evan mumbled. Connor looked up at the man, who was wearing an old shitty suit and tie.  "Uh, this is my friend, Connor." Connor nodded and threw a red shell at Jeremy.

"Hey!" Jeremy exclaimed.  Connor rolled his eyes and smirked a bit.  "Uh, hi dad."

"I was thinking of Chinese food tonight, your friends can stay over if you'd like?" Michael shrugged. 

"My mom wants me to be home by six tonight, first-day stuff I guess." He checked his phone. 4:20 it read. He smiled and laughed a bit to himself. 

"My parents don't care if I go home I guess." Connor looked over at Evan, who was picking at his cast. "I'll stay over if you want?" Evan looked up. He opened his mouth, but closed it and just nodded. 

Shit. What do you do when your crush asks to stay over and you just nod? Especially when it's only been a day and you two are already really close friends? Wait-wait, no, it's not a crush... is it? Evan WAS talking about Connor in the letter... but does he not really know him enough for it to be a crush? Dammit. Just thinking about this stuff was making Evan blush. Fine... Evan had a crush on Connor. But what should he do? He doesn't want to lose the only friend he made in years. He should just wait. Don't make things go faster than the should go. Just, relax. Of course, this was all happening in mere seconds, in Evan's head.

They continued playing Mario Kart for an hour or so before dinner. Evan and Connor's team won by only a few points because Evan so happened to get a blue shell at the best time ever and won the race. It was about 5:40 when they had dinner and Michael decided to head home. Connor decided to stay. Mr.Heere ordered Chinese food for the four of them and they waited downstairs. Connor sat down at the counter and took out a sketchbook. Evan beside him. 

"Oh, you like t-to draw?" Evan asked. He was picking at his cast. Connor looked up.

"Yeah, something wrong with that?" He snapped, Evan winced. 

"No-no," Evan waved his hands. "Sorry, I uh, that's just, uh um cool, uh sorry." Connor relaxed a bit.

"Na, my bad. I guess I'm just fired up from Mario Kart." He shrugged. There was a knocking at the door. 

"I got it!" Mr. Heere said walking to the door with money in his hand. He came back a minute later with the food and set it down on the table. Mr. Heere handed out plates and forks. Evan was watching Connor draw the fruit bowl on the table. Jeremy sat on the couch playing a game on his phone. He walked over and grabbed a dish and started to help himself to the food. 

BZzzzzt... bzzzt...

Connor's phone rang from inside his bag. He rolled his eyes and answered his phone while stepping into the other room. "Zoe, what do you want?" He said. Connor's voice faded away as he walked out of the room. Evan poked at his food. Did Connor have to leave? That's fine if he had to leave, Evan wanted him to stay. It all hit him right there. His crush-Connor was staying over at HIS apartment. Well, probably planning to leave right now, but wow. "I'M STAYING AT EVAN'S OKAY?" Evan heard him yell from the other room. Evan felt his lips tug up a bit but covered his smile with his hand before Jeremy could see. 

"Um, Evan?" Too late. Evan looked up. "Do you..." Jeremy lowered his voice. "Do you have a crush on-" He stopped talking when Connor strolled over and sat down next to Evan. Evan felt his cheeks go red and buried his face in his arms.

"Uh, Evan, you okay?" Connor laughed a bit. Evan looked up at Connor. His beautiful eyes that were just filled with anger and hate were now calm and relaxing. Evan didn't realize he didn't say anything until Connor's cheeks turned a bit pink. He looked away and got up.

"I uh, have to use the t-the bathroom!" And he bolted out of the room. Jeremy squinted his eyes at Connor from across the table. Connor rolled his eyes.

"Fuck you." 

 

-

 

After dinner, they decided to hang out in Jeremy's and Evan's room. Connor was stretched out onto Evan's bed, Evan was sitting on a bean bag practicing his Mario Karting skills. Jeremy sat on his bed playing on his phone. "Where does this fire escape by your window go?" Connor asked. Evan looked up.

"O-oh, it just goes t-to the ally, n-next to the apartment building." Connor nodded. "I-I just keep that window open b-because I like the c-city sounds. A-a-and the breeze." Jeremy laughed a bit to himself. Evan put down the controller and walked over to Connor and sat on his bed.

"Really? I find it really annoying." Connor sat up.

"Nah, I have to agree with Evan. I like the city sounds." Connor said. Evan smiled at him a bit.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Creator here! Sorry for the late chapter, the next one will come sooner I hope! Don't worry, we have so many ideas for this fic, we just have to get the introduction and stuff done. Thank you for reading, comments and feedback help a lot, thanks!


	6. More Than Anything

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After Connor decides to stay over the night, the three of them ask random questions from Tumblr. Evan ends up rambling a lot about trees and nature and falls alseep. Jeremy might know what's going on between Connor and Evan though????

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Creator here! I absolutely love this chapter. Ngl, I wrote this one right after we published the last one and it was a long wait. Please comment anything you liked, your favorite moment if you really want to, we love feedback!  
> Thank you so much for reading, and enjoy the fic  
> Sincerely,  
> -Me

Evan asked if Connor wanted to borrow a T-shirt to sleep in, but Connor was going to wear the same things he wore the day before, so he decided to sleep in his clothes. They agreed on 'locker room rules' when they changed into pajamas. You don't look at anyone and no one looks at you. Unless you want to be an asshole and make everybody uncomfortable.

  
Jeremy scrolled through Tumblr trying to ignore Evan and Connor. They obviously liked each other. How else would you explain the fact that Evan stutters more when he talks to him or takes a second to plan out what he wants to say? And the fact that Connor is so defensive for him. He has heard Jenna Rolland talk about stories about this before. Two boys obviously have feelings for each other, but try to hide it. Then they become better friends and call each other "dude" and "bro" and almost after every sentence "Like no homo dude but...". He had mixed feelings about them being together. Connor seemed like a scary person, and Evan is soft and innocent. Well, how would Evan deal with Jeremy and Michael? Jeremy hated having a fake crush, but there was no way he could tell Michael that he had started to develop feelings for him. They're best friends and Jeremy doesn't want to run in that. He doesn't want to make things awkward between them.

  
He scrolled around on Tumblr, distracting himself from the voices in his head. Jeremy's favorite Tumblr to check out was "just-shower-thoughts" because they always had funny posts. He wondered if the people/person who owned the account was high when they posted. Jeremy looked over at Connor, who yanked Evan down to lay next to him.

  
"Uh, should we arrange sleeping arrangements?" Jeremy said, sitting up. Evan gave a little shy laugh and nodded.

  
"Y-yeah I-I guess," Connor sat up and looked around the room.

  
"I guess I could-"

  
"Sleep on the bean bags?" Jeremy cut him off. Shit. He shouldn't have done that. Now he was getting a death glare from Connor. Connor's probably going to kill Jeremy in his sleep now. Jeremy felt the sweat on his back."I-I mean it would just be cramped on Evan's bed, you know?" Jeremy tried to lighten the mood or something. Connor rolled his eyes and slid off the bed and plopped down on the bean bags. They all sat there for a bit, not talking. Nobody liked the silence.

  
"So..." Connor started. "Jeremy, you have a crush apparently?" Jeremy wanted to die.  
"Ugh, it's complicated I guess..." He drifted. "But I'm not telling who until Evan tell's who his crush is." Evan was sitting on his bed with his bear pillow pet in his lap. Connor was picking at the black nail polish on his nails. Evan opened his mouth and closed it a few times before he could get words out.

  
"U-uh, um, you r-r-really w-wouldn't c-c-care, uh, I um," He mumbled. Evan's heart was now beating at a million miles per hour now. There was no way he could say anything now-that would be taking things too fast. No need to rush things. Just... relax. Evan picked at his cast. "Uh, um, s-sorry, uh... n-nevermind." Jeremy looked over at Connor.

  
"Well, since we're on the topic," He started. "Connor, so you have a crush?" Jeremy smirked.

  
"Fuck off Jeremy. I literally just met you today. You think I would tell you something like that?" Jeremy tilted his head a bit. He was playing with fire now.

  
"You didn't deny my question... so you do have a crush?" Connor wanted to punch that shit eating grin off Jeremy's face. There was a moment of silence before Connor spoke.

  
"Fuck you, Heere." He hissed. No thank you, but Evan would-no. Jeremy didn't want to finish that thought. Oh goddammit, Jeremy. Just stop. Stop right there. Nope nope nope. Jeremy bit the inside of his lip to keep himself from laughing at his own joke.

  
Evan changed the subject to random questions like if you could own any pet, what would it be? Or what superpower would you have?

  
"I'd like to be invisible, so then people wouldn't be bothered by me," Evan said. There was a pause.

  
"Wow, way to make everything depressing all of a sudden, Evan." Connor joked. Evan gave a little shy chuckle. Connor stretched his arm over his head.

  
"Uh, what Marvel superhero resembles you most?" Jeremy asked. He was looking at a list on Tumblr of random questions. Evan shrugged.

  
"Uh... I don't know? G-Groot's one of m-my favorites c-cause he's a tree a-and-"

  
"Yea we get it, Ev, you like trees." Connor interrupted. Evan smiled at the nickname Connor gave him.

  
"I g-guess Captain America? Cause h-he doesn't understand the world around him I-I guess? And he just wants to-to help Bucky..." He trailed off.

  
"That's funny, cause I guess Bucky resembles me," Connor said. Evan's stomach flipped. "We both have long hair, and get angry a lot I guess." Jeremy nodded. "And we both like plums."

  
"Pffft." Jeremy laughed a bit. "I guess I tremble Spiderman? Played by Tom Holland of course-"

  
"I ship you with Tom Holland." Connor snickered. Jeremy rolled his eyes and scrolled down the page on his phone.

  
"Ah, here's a good question-"

  
"Heere is a good question," Connor laughed. Evan snorted, which made Connor laugh harder.

  
"Are you gonna let me talk or are you gonna keep making fun of everything I say?" Connor sighed.

  
"Okay, whatever."

  
"Uh, what songs have you completely memorized?" Jeremy asked. Evan picked at his cast.  
"Uh, a f-few instrumentals online I guess?" Evan shrugged.

  
"Definitely "I've Got a Dark Alley and a Bad Idea That Says You Should Shut Your Mouth' by Fall Out Boy."

  
"Jesus Christ..." Jeremy said under his breath.

  
"How do you rem-remember all those long s-song titles?" Evan mumbled. Connor looked over at Evan, who was squeezing a pillow.

  
"I dunno... the same way you remembered everything about trees and plants." Evan nodded.

  
"Here's another one," Connor opened his mouth but Jeremy cut him off without looking up. "Shut up. "

  
-

  
"What do you wish you knew more about?" Connor. Evan wanted to know more about Connor, what he likes, what he hates. If he liked Evan... as a friend of course! What makes him smile... he had a beautiful smile... sort of subtle, and perfect, and real. Evan never knew how much he could love a smile. He noticed that Connor would hide his face in his bangs sometimes when he smiled. Evan wished Connor would smile more. Not a smirk, a natural smile... Like if someone told you all of your dreams just came true. Like if all your troubles and fears disappeared. Evan wanted to see that simile.

  
"I wish I knew more about all that shit people say behind my back," Connor's voice broke. Jeremy brought his knees to his chest. "'Cause, I know people talk about me. I know they say I'm a freak. Just say it to my face if you got something to say!" He shouted. Evan was at a lost of words. He never related to someone so much. He wished that too, but not in a threatening way. Just so he could fix himself so people wouldn't be bothered by him. Evan wanted to fix what was broken... apparently, Connor was broken too.

  
"I, uh... I know what you mean..." Evan said slowly. Connor looked over at him. "Wanting to just... stop the things that people say? I-I mean people c-can say what they w-want and-and-and stuff... uh..." Evan cleared his throat.  
"Uh... yeah," Jeremy said. Evan looked over at Connor, poor Connor... he just wanted to walk over there and give him a hug. Tell him everything's alright. Tell him that he relates to him and he cares about him. Evan wanted to help Connor... maybe Connor wanted to help Evan too...

  
-

  
"Uh, what t-type of tree is your favorite?" Evan asked. He had his pillow pressed against his chest.

  
"Tree? What kind of question is that?" Connor laughed a bit.

  
"I d-dunno... y-you think of a random question," Evan mumbled. Jeremy could think of a few. When are you two gonna start dating? Jeremy why.

  
"Uh, if you could only eat one thing for the rest of your life, what would it be?" Jeremy asked.

  
"Wow, very original." Connor snickered. "Cereal I guess. That's all I eat anyways." Evan shrugged.

  
"I w-w-would probably eat s-salads? A-are you only limit-limited to only one type of salad though?" Evan stuttered. He pets the pillow pet bear's head softly. His eyelids felt heavy.

  
"Jeez, after you talking about how much you like trees and plants, I thought you were a vegan or something," Jeremy said. He picked at the tag of his shirt.

  
"Vegans are people who only eat plants, dumbass." Connor corrected. Jeremy winced. Connor rolled his eyes and reached into his pocket and pulled out a hair tie. He sat up and put his hair into a low bun, revealing the piercings on his ears and his hair no longer covering his face. Thankfully Evan was sitting on his bed because he would have fallen if he was standing for this boy. He looked back down at the pillow in his arms. "Uh, Evan why do you like plants so much anyways?" Connor ran his fingers through his hair to adjust the tie.

  
"Oh, um, t-that I can t-talk about." Evan sat up. He talked about trees and forests and random facts. Evan's voice was light and soft. Connor wondered if he was a good singer. Connor commented here and there, Jeremy stayed quiet though. They both zoned out and listened to Evan ramble and the city buffer in the background. Evan talked a lot about common plants in New York like moss or ivy. He talked about weeds and how they can sometimes help but are normally a pest. What trees are the strongest and what trees are the weakest? The most common trees, the rarest trees. What the marks on a leaf mean and what the texture means. The science behind the changing colors of the leaves, stuff like that. Evan's voice grew softer as the night continued. Till the point when I fell asleep, at around ten-thirty. "...and poison oak... is only found... by... the..." Evan fell asleep. He was the first to fall asleep out of the three of them.

  
There was a pause after Evan stopped talking. Only the sound of cars beeping, people walking and random strangers on the street filled the room. Connor didn't realize how small the bedroom was until now. His bedroom was giant. His parents own a penthouse of an apartment building and they all got their own balcony and bathroom. Zoe got the bigger bathroom and better view of the city of course. She could see the sun rise and light up her room. Connor's room was lit in the evening by the sunset, making everything a warm color. Connor enjoyed this more. A small room in a small apartment, without arguing. His house never seemed quiet. Zoe was always inviting friends, and his mother was making food or watching TV. His father would be in his office, talking to whoever on the phone about law stuff and rights or whatever. Connor liked to sometimes blast music while he drew. His favorite thing to draw was the building below and the random people on the street. That sounds creepy, but it's fun to quickly sketch someone in a short amount of time and think about their life and their backstory. Connor's room had big windows and was a grey color. Being at Evan's made him feel like if he was home. As if his own home wasn't. Evan's was cozy and cute... just like him.

  
After five minutes or so Jeremy spoke up.

  
"Connor, you still awake?" He whispered. Connor rested his eyes, but wasn't tired, he was used to staying up very late, so his mother would let him stay home from school. Well, now he just skipped school whenever but that was sophomore year.   
"Yeah..." He drifted. Jeremy took a breath before talking and ran his fingers through his hair.

  
"Don't murder me in my sleep for saying this but..." Jeremy looked over at Evan, who was peacefully fast asleep by now. Probably dreaming about being in a forest or something. "Do you like Evan?" There was a pause before Connor answered. It was long enough for Jeremy to think he was dead and Connor hated him with every inch and fiber of his body. Jeremy held his breath.

  
"...more than anything..." Connor said so quietly, Jeremy had to process it for a second before he realized he said anything. Connor sat up and looked Jeremy dead in the eye. The lights from the street and the moonlight was outlining his figure. "But don't you ever say anything." Jeremy nodded frantically before Connor laid back down.

  
Jeremy was asleep shortly after. That was a dumb move. Now Jeremy knows. Connor shouldn't have said anything. Now he was left alone with his own thoughts for the night. Wow, what a great way to start off the year. Connor heard mumbling from a corner of the room. It was Evan. He was mumbling something Connor couldn't make out, but he didn't care. Everything about this boy was so precious and perfect. He was so adorable and made Connor feel amazing around him. Like he could be who he wanted to be. Like he didn't have to worry about what people think of him because... Evan's always going to be there. What he said in the library... about him not hating Connor and how he was his only friend... It meant a lot to Connor. He listened to Evan's mumblings until he finally fell asleep at around two in the morning.   
-  
In the morning Evan's alarm woke them all up. The alarm was a soft instrumental instead of a loud beeping, which would make Evan anxious.

  
"Morning..." Evan said sitting up. They agreed on the same rules before for changing. Connor went to the bathroom to freshen up while Jeremy and Evan got dressed.

  
Jeremy put on a light blue sweatshirt over a t-shirt with the Avengers logo on it. He wore black jeans and his dark blue converse. Evan wore a dark green flannel shirt and blue jeans.

  
"Morning boys," Heidi walked into the doorway and waved. Connor came out of the bathroom and walked by. "Oh, hi, you must be Connor." He nodded and smiled for a second. Evan's stomach flipped. "Nice to meet you!" She brought him in for a hug which surprised him. He didn't get hugs often? It was nice though. Evan's mom was nice. "I'm Heidi, Evan's mom. You can call me Miss. Hansen." Hansen. Evan Hansen. Connor loved the name... Evan Mur-stop being so cliche Connor. Connor broke the hug and walked over to pick up his bag.   
-  
As soon as he knew it, Evan, Connor Jeremy, and Michael where out the door walking to school. Most people take the subway or bus, but they lived close. Evan and Connor were having their own conversation when Jeremy stopped Michael by an ally.  
"Psst, Michael, this is where Rich said the guy with the, uh you know?" Michael nodded and they broke out of the crowd.

  
"Do you have the money?" Jeremy took his hand out of his pocket to reveal money in his hand then quickly shoved it back in. They walked down the alley and found a man with a big black coat, a fedora, and sunglasses. Jeremy and Michael put their hoods up and walked by him without making eye contact.

  
"Uh... I like your sideburns." Jeremy said. The man chuckled before answering.

  
"You're here to get a squip, right?" Jeremy looked around then nodded frantically. He remembered that he wanted to ask Evan about what he thought. About taking the Squip. It would probably make him scared of Jeremy though.

  
"Y-yeah." The man looked up and down the alley before talking again.

  
"You got the money?" Jeremy nodded. "Four hundred?"

  
"I thought it was six-" Michael kicked Jeremy to stop him. "F-four hundred is fine." The man nodded slowly.

  
"By taking this un-tested material you are responsible for what this does to you or anyone else. Take this with mountain-dew, I don't know why." Jeremy nodded again. "Look forward, don't make eye contact." He said while taking a small bag with a white pill in it out. Jeremy nodded and gave him the money and took the baggie. "All sales are final." The man walked away and disappeared into another ally. Jeremy looked around before putting the bag inside his lunchbox, inside his backpack.

  
-

  
Evan was sitting in a seat in the last Collom by the window writing something on a piece of paper. Jeremy walked by and sat next to him.

  
"What are you writing?" Evan looked up and took the paper off his desk.

  
"Uh, nothing," He said folding it and putting it into his backpack. "Uh, where did you go when we were walking to school?" He asked. Shit. What should Jeremy say? Getting a drug from a man in an alley? He wasn’t a druggie (would he be considered one if he took the Squip?), but even if he was, he wouldn’t want Evan finding out about that.

  
"Uh, we just slowed down 'cause you guys were walking really fast." Evan shrugged.

  
The bell rang for homeroom to end. Evan winced. They picked up their bags and walked out the door, to see Connor waiting by.

  
"Oh, hi C-Connor." Evan smiled and gave a little wave. Connor smiled and returned a small wave.

  
"Hey, uh, what class do you have right now?" Jeremy rolled his eyes and walked to his own class.

  
"Uh, advanced science?" Evan mumbled.

  
"Cool, I'll tag along." Connor smiled. Evan looked up at him like if he was looking at stars for the first time. He held his breath and looked down before it was obvious he was staring.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Creator here! What did you think? This chapter was getting pretty long, it was only suppose to be that evening, but it felt like time is going by really slowly in this fic. Feel free to answer any of the questions Jeremy asked in the comments, my favorite one is:  
> "What do you wish you knew more about?"  
> I wish I knew more about other people and how to not be such an anxious person? 
> 
> Thanks for reading!  
> Sincerely,  
> -Me


	7. Don't Do Drugs

Connor followed Evan to science, room 142, not so far from his homeroom. Down the hall and to the left. Avoiding eye contact from the popular students and common places people hang out in the middle of the hall. It was only the second day, so teachers wouldn't be used to the so Connor could sneak right in. They both chose seats in the very back of the class by the window. Evan rested his backpack on the desk and took a seat. The teacher started calling roll after a few more students entered the room. Connor was picking at his nail polish and heard Evan softly whispering “here” to himself.

“Jenna Rolland?”

“Here.”

“Jared Kleinman?”

“Here.”

“Evan Hansen?” Evan looked up. He hesitated before talking.

“Here?” His voice broke. Evan looked down in shame as other students snickered around them. Connor shot dead looks around the room. Fucking jerks. The teacher walked down the rows of desks after finishing roll call and looked over at Connor. Connor rolled his eyes and leaned back in his chair and the teacher shrugged and moved on with the class.

“What was that?” Evan asked in a weak voice.

“I’ve had this teacher before,” Connor said. “She could care less if I existed or not.” He twirled a strand of his hair in his fingers. Evan couldn’t help but feel bad.

“Aww, don’t say that. Uh, I-I care that you e-exist?” Connor felt as if they had this conversation a million times before. He got over the fact that his stomach was flipping and Evan was the cutest person imaginable and moved on with the day. Connor decided to hang out with Evan and tag along to all of his classes because Connor could care less about his own. He didn’t care about school or life because he didn’t really see his future in it. School was just something to keep him occupied and distracted from life and how much it sucks. But now that he met Evan, he wants to do better and be a better person. He wanted to help Evan and be there for him. 

-

Jeremy and Michael sat at the same table from before, by the trashcans eating lunch. Jeremy bought a PB&J and a mountain due and brought the “squip.”

“Should I do it?” Jeremy asked.

“I dunno, maybe you should wait for the right person-”

“I didn’t mean that you dork.” Jeremy laughed. 

"We shouldn't be in the school, you might get a sudden high or something? I don't know how this thing works." Jeremy nodded as he shoved his lunch into his backpack and stood up. across the hall, he saw Connor and Evan walking to the library again. Jeremy nudged Michael to get his attention. 

"Do you think... that there's something going on between them?" Jeremy asked. They started to walk towards the back school entrance, near the alley where the bad kids hang out.

"Yeah... looking back at them now, I can totally see what you mean." They looked out for teachers as they swiftly exited the building. This will only take a second, right? They put their hoods up and thankfully no other kids were there. 

"Do you have the soda?" Michael asked. Jeremy nodded as he took out the baggie and Mountain Dew. He took the grey-oblong pill out and rested it in the palm of his hand. "Are you sure you want to do this?"

"It's supposed to make my life better right? How much worse can it get from here?" Jeremy popped the pill into his mouth and drank the soda down with it. There was a pause.

"H-how do you feel?" Michael asked. "What is it like? Is it talking to you yet?" 

"Uh... I dunno...I don't feel anything right now?" Jeremy and his hand through his hair. "Ok, it kinda feels like a brain freeze-oH SHIT-"

"Jeremy are you going to be ok!?" Jeremy started to breathe heavy until his legs gave and he fell to the ground. "Jeremy are you dying or something, should I get help? Are you going to be ok?" 

 

[Calibration in process. Please excuse some mild discomfort.]

 

"Mild?!" Jeremy shook his head and ran his hands through his hair. "I'm... fine..." Jeremy said between breaths and yells. Michael tried to help by rubbing circles on Jeremy's back. Jeremy started breathing normally.

 

[Calibration complete. Access procedure initiated.]

 

Jeremy stretched. 

 

[Discomfort level may increase.]

 

He managed to sit up properly and breath. "It-it's -it's in my-my head, a-a-a v-v-voice."

"Jeremy just breathe," Michael said in a comforting voice.

 

[Accessing: neural memory. Accessing: muscle memory. Access procedure:

complete. Jeremy Heere…]

Jeremy started seeing a tall, blue figure in front of him… looking like Keanu Reeves or something.

[Welcome to your Super Quantum Unit Intel Processor.... Your SQUIP.]

“Jeremy, are you ok, are you going to be ok?” Jeremy nodded as he pointed to the figure in front of him.

“Yeah, yeah, yeah, d-do you see it-it too?” Michael looked worried. “T-the squip?”

“No, I think only you see it?”

[I exist only in your mind. All anyone else can see is you, having an animated conversation,

with yourself. So don’t do that. Just think at me. Like you’re telepathic.]

“It-it’s talking to me, uh, I just have to think to talk to it back?” Jeremy stood up. [No shit Sherlock] “It did it again! It just said ‘no shit Sherlock’!”

“Uh, uh, does it see me? Because It’s in your mind?” Michael asked pointing to himself. [I can see everything you can see and I have access to all of your memories too.]

“Uh, yeah! It says it knows you because it can access my memories.” Jeremy nodded. [I don’t understand. Why are you developing feelings for this boy? He seems like a fine friend and you will be much more popular if you dated a girl-] “Shut up!” He shouted. Michael winced. “Oh, sorry I was talking to the squip. Sorry, I’m not used to this.”

“Uh, ok…” They started walking back into the building and hid behind the corner before any teachers could catch them. [take a left here, a teacher is about to turn the corner.] Jeremy quickly grabbed Michael's sleeve and walked back to the cafeteria. This is going to take some getting used to. 

-

Connor had to take the sub back to his house because Zoe said that their parents are going to kill him if he doesn't return home. So Jeremy and Michael walked with him to their apartment. [Evan, a boy with social anxiety and his mother is dating your father. Don't hang out with him, he will only embarrass you.]  _ What? No Evan's nice and I would never do that to him.  _ Jeremy thought. 

"So... are you going to tell him?" Michael asked. Evan looked up at the taller boys. He was picking at his cast and was clearly thinking about something else before. 

"Um, tell me what?" Evan mumbled. 

"I'll tell you when we get home, it's uh..." [not important.] "personal." It was a quiet walk home, thankfully not long. Evan was thinking about earlier when he was hanging out with Connor. They finally got home and spilled into the door, Heidi was there on the couch talking to Mr. Heere. 

"Uh, hi dad, hi... Heidi." Jeremy said as he darted to his and Evan's room. Evan gave a little wave and followed swiftly behind. [walk faster before parents start to ask about your day.] Michael shut the door behind him as they entered the room. Evan sat on his bed and Jeremy and Michael sat on the bean bags. Jeremy fiddled with his fingers.

"So uh, a kid at school told me about this thing... to make me cool you know?" Evan nodded. [I don't see the reason why you should tell Evan this. It will only make him afraid of you.] "And it, uh talks to you and stuff, it's called a squip. Is it like a computer pill? Please don't tell anyone this." Evan nodded quickly. 

"So... it-it's like a drug?" Michael shrugged and stood up the use the bathroom. 

"I'll be right back." Jeremy watched as Michael walked out of the room and shut the door. A pause before Jeremy stood up and walked to Evan, towering over him.

"Don't tell ANYONE, ok?" Evan nodded again, in fear this time. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Japo here, and word of advice, heed the chapter title and don't do drugs. Which is hypocritical of me, very much so, but like, don't do illegal drugs. Cause, you know. It's illegal. Just don't do drugs that you don't need. 
> 
> Anyways, Creator got a laptop so I think we're going to get some more stuff pushed out, but I've been slacking off. Like, I need to write more for this fic. Like I said many times, I'm like a glorified editor. 
> 
> Irrelevant, and I would love for you guys to answer, but what's your favorite song(s)? I need new songs, and I've been listening to the same songs, recently (that I have in tons of playlists). Would love to hear something new.


	8. The Squip Enters

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The squip enters and starts to take control of Jeremy's life.

Connor put his hood up as he took a seat on the sub. His apartment was pretty far from the school because his parents heard that his high school was very good. They didn't want to waste money on private schools if Connor was going to skip class. And Zoe wanted to do drama and other activities that they didn't have in most of the private schools. 

Connor took out his phone and put his earbuds in and played his playlist. He thought about Evan and what he told Jeremy last night... that was a stupid idea. Why should he have told Jeremy out of all people in the world?  He ran his and through his hair. That was stupid. It took about thirty minutes for the sub to get to Connor's stop and he walked the rest. His parents owned a large penthouse with an amazing view over the city. Connor spent most of his time in his room drawing the same horizon over and over again in his sketchbook. After he met Evan, he started drawing more nature and enjoyed the change.  He stepped into the lobby and waited for the elevator. 

"Your parents are not very happy with you right now, Connor," The person behind the counter said as the doors opened.

"Aren't they always?" Connor said pressing the button for the top floor in the elevator. When he got to his apartment, Zoe was sitting in the living room reading a book. Cynthia was cooking something and Larry was reading the newspaper. 

"Hi, honey-"

"So, you decided to come home today," Larry cut her off without looking up. Connor rolled his eyes and headed towards his room.

"Fuck off, I was at Evan's." He shut the door before anyone could respond. Connor tossed his bag on his bed and sat down. His room smelt like weed. He opened his sketchbook and drew plants and nature stuff, much calmer than the city life. His room was big, good for pacing and being left alone.

-

Evan took a shower after Michael left before dinner, which left Jeremy alone to talk to his squip. [Jeremy, you want to be more chill.] 

"You mean cool?" Jeremy thought to himself. [I do not. Now, first things first, I need to color your aesthetic and change your vibe. You need to buy a new shirt.]

"What's wrong with my shirt?" Jeremy said, opening his laptop and going to Amazon. [Nothing, if you want to be a loser for your whole life.] Jeremy typed in the search bar 'cool shirts'. [Seresouly Jeremy?]

"What? I don't know you do it." Jeremy pushed his laptop aside near where he was seeing his squip. It facepalmed. [Jeremy I can't- I'm inside your brain.] Jeremy put the laptop back on his lap, looking embarrassed. [If you upgrade me... that gives me full control and I can do things like that.]

"Upgrade you?" [Yes.]

"Maybe later... now, what should I search?" The squip rolled its eyes. [Type Eminem shirt.] Jeremy typed 'M&M'. [As in the person, not the candy.]

"Uh, right...  knew that." [click the $45.00 one.]

"What? no! that's too much money for a dumb shirt." [Do you want to be popular?] Jeremy sighed. This was a bad idea. [do one-day shipping, you need this for tomorrow.]

"Tomorrow? What's going to happen tomorrow?" [You're going to be more chill, just follow my lead.] Jeremy nodded. Evan opened the door and was already changed into PJs. His hair was all wet.

"I-I uh, sorry, changed in the bathroom, so-uh it wouldn't be w-weird?" Jeremy shrugged and ordered the shirt. Evan sat down on his bed and opened his laptop. He put earbuds in and played his playlist of instrumentals and nature sounds. The city clutter was sometimes too much for him. He always wanted to go camping someday, like the time he went with his father... that was the last time he really knew him... Evan was six at the time. 

"Is it uh... is the thing talking to you?" Evan broke the silence.

"Uh," [Just tell him to mind his own business.] "It's hard to explain." Jeremy shrugged again and browsed on Tumblr. 

For dinner, Heidi made soup before she had to leave for work, and Mr. Heere called Evan and Jeremy down to eat. 

"Jeremy! Evan! Dinner!" He yelled up the stairs. Evan paused his music and took his earbuds out. 

"We-we should probably go down and eat?" [Say that you're not hungry, you don't want old canned soup, do you?]

"I'll meet you there," Jeremy said without looking up. Evan walked down the steps and sat by the counter with his bowl of soup.

"U-um thanks for the soup, m-Mr. Heere," Evan mumbled. 

"You mother made this soup actually, and please, call me Peter." Evan nodded without looking up. He picked at his cast. "So uh, Connor signed your cast?" Evan smiled a bit.

"Y-yeah..." There was a knock at the door.

"I'll get it!" Jeremy yelled running out of his room. He opened the door and took an Amazon package from the man at the door. "Thanks." He said as he signed a paper and shut the door.

"Jeremy what did we say about ordering things online without my permission?" Mr. Heere said. Jeremy rolled his eyes.

"I'm 16 now, I should be able to buy things on my own."

"I'm the one who's paying for it." Evan winced. He didn't want to get in the middle of a family argument. "Fine, at least have a seat and eat dinner."

"I'm not hungry," Jeremy said walking up the steps. He slammed the door shut. Mr. Heere sighed.

"I'm sorry Evan, he's normally not like this." Evan tried to relax a bit.

"No-no, it's fine, I don't mind." Evan finished his soup and put his dish in the sink. He filled it with water and dish soap.

"Evan, it's okay I got the dishes."

"Are you sure?" Evan didn't mind cleaning. It was something to do and he didn't have to feel like he could be doing something useful. Sometimes when he had free time, he felt as if he was supposed to do something. Evan was hard on himself without realizing it.

"Yeah, it's okay. Can you go see what's up with Jeremy?" Evan nodded and put the bowl down. He walked up the steps and knocked on the door. 

"Hi, sorry Jeremy," Evan said as he walked in. Jeremy was looking at the shirt he got the came in the mail and put it into his closet. 

"What are you sorry about?"

"Oh, uh... nevermind." Evan sat on his bed. 

"Can you sleep downstairs tonight? I just need time to think and to be alone." Evan looked pale.

"Uh, ok? Sorry if I was bugging you." Evan said picking up his laptop and blanket.

"It's fine, I just need to be alone tonight." Evan nodded and quickly left the room. Mr. Heere was in his bedroom or something, so Evan put his blanket on the couch. His stomach dropped, like if this was the beginning of something really bad. Like really bad. Evan decided to go to bed early that night because he didn't want to be left alone with his own thoughts and he didn't have his alarm for the morning.

 

[Jeremy you can't just listen to me, you have to  _ obey _ . Now repeat after me. Everything about you is so terrible.]

"What? Jesus Christ..." [Everything about you sucks!] Jeremy laid flat on his bed. "I'm not... please stop.” Somehow in his head, Jeremy's voice broke. Damn even when he's thinking his voice cracks. How is that even possible? [Jeremy you have to listen to me. Fine. In the morning we'll discuss this.] Jeremy didn't want to discuss this though. He just wanted to be cool. This was a bad idea. But it will make his life better so he better get over it. 

 

Jeremy woke up early that morning and before he could even open his laptop his squip stopped him. [Jeremy what did I say about masturbation?]

"Okay, okay I was just gonna... check my email..." Jeremy stood up and got ready to get dressed. [You can't lie to me, I'm inside your head.] "Right." Jeremy looked at the shirt in his closet. [What are you doing? Just put on the shirt, I thought you were 16 Jeremy.] "It's not that, it's just that it's not... me?" His squip facepalmed again. [Jeremy this whole thing is about fixing you. Of course, you are going to be a bit hesitant. Just followed my lead." Jeremy was fully dressed and ready to walk out the door when Evan stumbled in.

"W-what time is it?" [Time for you to leave.]

"Uh, I was about to walk out the door? Around 7:40 I guess?" Evan winced.

"Shit- I mean, I uh, I'm late!" Jeremy walked out the door was Evan scrambled to get dressed. "C-can you wait for me? Please?" [No, say that you can't be late too.]

"Sorry Evan, I can't be late." Jeremy shut the door.

"Wait-" Evan stuttered. Jeremy quickly walked down the steps and out the door. [Take the stairs, the elevator will take too long and you need to work on your physical strength. Jeremy rolled his eyes again and quickly made his way down the steps and out the door. Jeremy looked down the street and waited for Michael. [What are you doing? You're going to be late and have to walk with Evan.]

"Can you be more chill for one second? I'm waiting for Michael." Jeremy took a step forward. [Just keep walking, if you want to be popular. See the group of girls there? Go walk with them.] "I can't just walk with a group of girls?!" Jeremy started walking now. Michael was gonna be upset now probably. [Fix your posture, don't hold your breath, relax, or just act like it.] Jeremy walked up to the group of girls, Jenna, Chloe, and Brooke.

"And she lost that game of pool on purpose- Jerry?" Chole cut herself off. 

"Jeremy, actually, uh," [Ask them about the fall play.] "I was wondering if you guys- girls are going to be in the fall play?" Jenna huffed.

"Since when are YOU in the play?" Jeremy opened his mouth but then shut it again.

"Since he started to have a massive crush on Christine," Brooke added.

"Oh. My. God. Tell me it's true. You have a crush on Christine?" Chloe said. [Say yes.] Jeremy was upset because he was only pretending to have a crush on her so he could hide his secret about Michael, but now he has to lie even further?

"Uh, you won't tell her, please?" His voice broke.

"Ahh, you two would be so cute together!"  Chloe danced a little. "Don't worry, we'll keep your secret." She winked at him. Jeremy was tempted to roll his eyes. 

-

Jeremy forgot that he had the same homeroom with Evan, so he was surprised when an angry boy in an old hoodie sat right next to him. 

"Oh, hi Evan." [Get up and move to a different seat.] Evan gave him a cold stare. "Jeez, what happened?" Evan was about to throw his hands in the air. 

"What happened? Y-you left me the-there, lucky you ditched M-Michael too so I had a very awkward w-walk to school." Jeremy picked up his bag and stood up.

"It's not that big of a deal, you're just overreacting." He moved seats. Evan wanted to scream. He was getting a few glares from his classmates so Evan backed down and looked away. Homeroom when relatively quick and Evan meet up with Connor in the hall.

"Hey Ev- woah you look like you want to beat the shit out of someone, are you ok?" Evan sighed and unclenched his fists.

"Sorry, it-it's just that, I've had a rough start to my day I-I guess. Sorry." Connor nodded.

"Na, it's fine." They took a turn around the corner to Evan's science class. "Do you want to talk about it or something?" Evan hesitated before speaking.

"Uh-no, maybe later though. Thanks." He smiled. God how on earth was Evan so adorable. Even when he was angry. Connor was kinda angry about the night before, he fought with his parents again. But that happens every night, it's not something new.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Creator here!   
> This chapter isn't much of a fun chapter to say, but it is very important. Also for some reason when I was writing Evan being anxious I was getting anxious? Thanks so much for reading and feel free to comment on anything!  
> Sincerely,  
> -Me


	9. Alone

Jeremy didn't see Michael all day until lunch. He thought that he would be totally lost without someone to talk to in the hallways, but his Squip was there. Today was actually pretty good for a loser. Jeremy got to talk to the popular girls and his hands didn't sweat as much. He gave a little nod to Rich saying that he got the Squip and Rich high-fived him in the hallway. He didn't see Evan though, which was odd... Jeremy could have sworn he had Evan in his math class before lunch. Instead, he just saw Connor sitting alone at a desk drawing plants or something.

Jeremy went to the lunch line and got a salad. His Squip said it would make him healthier or something. He saw Michael sitting alone picking at his food. 

"Hey man, what's up?" Jeremy said, sitting in front of Michael. He looked up.

"What's up? You've been ignoring me all day. What's with that?" Jeremy furrowed his eyebrows.

"Ignoring you? I haven't seen you all day. Where were you in English?" Michael rolled his eyes. [It's called optic-nerve blocking. I have been blocking Michael from your field of vision.]  _ What? _ Jeremy thought to himself. [Michal is part of the old Jeremy. Do you want to be popular? Michael was there, of course, you just didn't see him.]

"Sitting in the back of the class while you flirted with Chloe?" Jeremy chuckled a bit to himself.

"Oh yeah, that was awesome. My Squip just said to start talking so I did and I was talking to a GIRL, a real GIRL like can you imagine-"

"Really? You're going to do this right now?" Michael crossed his arms.

"I don't understand what you're talking about." Jeremy snapped. Brooke tapped his shoulder before Michael could respond.

"Hey, Jeremy! I wanted to show you something remember?" She smiled. [Leave him, Jeremy. Go with Brooke.] Jeremy stood up.

"Sorry Michael, I have plans." Michael shook his head. Jeremy left his lunch and followed Brooke though the halls. [Jeremy listen to me. If you want me to improve your life, you have to... upgrade.]

_ What do you mean?  _ Jeremy thought to himself. [Let me have complete control. That way, even when you have no idea what to do, I can take over and help.]   _ I dunno... Isn't that dangerous? What if I hurt someone? _ [Jeremy you can trust me not to do any physical damage to anyone. Am I the type of thing to do that?]  _...no? _ [Good. Now, pay attention Brooke was talking to you about, something _ I _ don't know because  _ you _ were too busy talking to me.]  _ Wait, no- _

"Don't you just love it?" Brooke said. She was looking at a mural on the wall. 

"Oh yeah, I love art, I'm basically a pro artist-" [Jeremy shut up. You can't even draw a stick figure, not even with my help.] 

"Really? That is so cool! You should draw me some time!" Jeremy winced and held a fake smile between his lips.

"Uh, shit- I mean... I can't actually draw? I don't know why I said that." She looked a bit disappointed.

"Well, I like a guy that's honest." She smiled, her cheeks flushed a soft pink. Jeremy felt nothing whatsoever. He wasn't attracted to her? Like sure she looks nice but he never thought of being in a relationship with Brooke.

"Well, yeah. That's me. Honest..."Jeremy's voice broke, which made her laugh a little. [Jeremy if you upgrade, I can stop your voice from cracking. I can control everything. All you have to do is agree.] The bell rung for lunch to be over, which seemed a little weird. Jeremy thought lunch was longer than that.

"Okay, uh, see you around Jeremy!" Brooke walked away. [Jeremy. If you upgrade you will be more chill.] Jeremy took a breath.

_ Is this the right thing to do? _ He thought to himself. [Are you really asking me after I just told you so many times- yes. This is a good idea. This will make you cool and popular. Just say  _ yes _ .] Jeremy walked down the hall to his next class and tripped on a crack in the floor. He quickly got up, but alas, many people still saw, and still continued to stare at him.

"... yeah."

-

Evan and Connor sat in the library in the little corner with the fairy lights and bean bags. Evan was reading the book he hid quietly. He was reading it out loud but he kept mumbling and it was making Connor laugh a bit so he stopped. Connor wanted to ask about what happened this morning, but he thought back to a time when he was angry at his parents for something stupid and the last thing he wanted to do was talk about it. 

"I'm bored." Connor broke the silence. Evan looked up from his book.

"Uh, we could leave if you want?" He mumbled.

"And go where?" Evan bit his lip.

"G-good point...  I guess." He placed his bookmark and hid it under the bean bag. They stood up and left the library and wandered around the halls. 

"So they're doing a Shakespeare play, but like... zombies?" Connor motioned to the sign-up poster. There were only a few names that signed up. Christeen Canigula... Rich Goranski... Jeremy Heere.

"Oh, Jeremy signed up?" Evan mumbled. Chloe Valentine... Jake Dillinger... Brooke Lohst... Zoe Murphy.

"Oh great. My sister signed up." Connor rolled his eyes. "She's gonna be the star of the show and be so amazing," He said sarcastically. "And then my parents are gonna come home to their other kid smoking pot and telling them to fuck off." Evan looked worried. Obviously, Connor was going through a lot. Sighing through his nose, he decided to keep his mouth shut. He was at a loss for words, anyways. 

"Well... uh, I guess we're both stuck w-watching a dumb play sometime, then?" His voice broke. Shit. 

-

Evan walked home with Michael that day. Jeremy 'had better things to do’, so being a jerk somewhere else, then. Connor had to head to his own apartment. 

"So-so... do you know what's up w-with Jeremy?" Evan broke the silence.

"It's most likely just the Squip settling in I guess." Michael shrugged.

"T-the Squip?"

"The uh, drug-thing that Jeremy took?"

"Oh. Yeah... uh... hm..." They were in front of Evan's apartment.

"I'm just gonna... go home because.... it'll be weird being there without Jeremy I guess." 

"Yeah... oh ok, uh see you then?"

"Bye Evan."

"Uh, bye." Evan went inside. For the first time in a long time, Evan was alone again. He didn't realize how much he liked someone to talk to. He realized that he was standing in the elevator in thought for about five minutes. He fiddled with is keys and opened the door. There was a note on the counter that said that Mr. Heere was at his own job and Heidi had to stay late at the hospital. So Evan really was alone.  He dropped his backpack by the couch and laid down. He was left alone with his thoughts for who knows how long. Evan took his phone out of his pocket and looked at his messages. Nothing. He wasn't surprised. 

-

"So... do you want to go out for food?" Brooke asked. [Jeremy say yes.]  _ Did she just ask me out? _ [Yes, now say yes.]  _ I don't want to date her!  _ [Jeremy- fine, I'll do it.]

"Sure. Maybe that Italian pizza place around the block? I'll pay."  _ And how are you going to pay for that? _ [Your dad's credit card?]  _ What? _ [Jeremy get over it.] Jeremy and Brooke walked together down the block. 

"I'm curious, I've heard rumors about you and Evan Hansen, that anxious kid? You know, blonde, weird stutter? Something about you two being, like, roommates or something?" 

"We're basically stepbrothers, not officially, anyways, but he doesn't matter." Jeremy smiled and held Brook's hand. "What matters is us," _ Oh my god will you take a hint that I'm not straight?  _ [Jeremy if you want to be popular, you have to date Brooke first.]  _ I don't want to date Brooke!  _ [Stop whining.] Brooke smiled as they entered the restaurant. They were greeted by a waiter and were seated quickly. 

-

Weeks went by with the same routine. Jeremy being a douchebag, leaving Evan to walk with Michael, which he was being a jerk to as well. Jeremy started going to play rehearsal. Evan and Connor hung out more. Jeremy grew more distant from his family and Evan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey it's Japo here, you lovely people. Anyways, there's like, no update schedule anymore lol, so whenever a chapter is done it's done and uploaded. Not much else to say. You guys should totally talk to us over on tumblr though. Creator's name is the same over there, and I have a link in my bio. Anyways have a nice night


	10. Halloween Costumes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Creator here!  
> HAPPY 10 CHAPTER ANNIVERSARY (idk it feels like an accomplishment) Thank you so much for reading and enjoy the chapter!

It was about a week before Halloween. Evan was used to sleeping on the couch when  Jeremy was home. Jeremy practically took over their shared room. Heidi and Mr. Heere were always busy with work so they didn't really notice Jeremy changing too much. Evan and Connor were sitting together in the library during lunch.

"So... what are you being for Halloween?" Connor asked. He was playing with his hair between his fingers.

"Uh... I dunno. I normally just spend the night alone... I guess..." Evan got used to talking to Connor and didn't stumble on his words as much.

"Way to make everything fucking depressing." Connor chuckled a bit.

"Sorry."

"Nah it's fine." Connor drifted. Evan tapped his foot.

"Uh, Michael told me about a Halloween party that Jeremy was going to... he-he wanted to keep an eye on him or something?" Connor shrugged.

"Why because he turned into a huge ass?" He snapped.

"Shit- I mean, uh I didn't know if I should have told you sooner... uh," Evan fiddled with his fingers. "Jeremy took this drug thing called a uh, 'squip'?  And I guess it talks to him or something but it made him really mean to me and stuff... and I-I didn't know if I should have told you because... uh, he threatened me? Like he really scared me and I didn't know what to-to do?" Connor sighed.

"Asshole. I hate that thing, fucking squip." Evan was surprised that Connor knew what he was talking about. "I've heard stories about it and shit. Fuck, Jeremy's going to go insane." Evan shifted in the bean bag.

"Is there anything I can do to help or anything?" Connor shrugged.

"Why do you care about him so much? Like, he's treated you like shit."

"I... I dunno..." Evan sat back and sighed. 

"So... I guess you're going to the party?"

"Will you come with me-  uh, just don't want to be alone.. you know?" Connor nodded. 

"So... what are you going to be? For the party?"

"Uh... I might just wear a sweater or something and just sit in the corner."

"Come on. Look this party is gonna suck for both of us. Look I'll be Bucky if you'll be Cap?" Shit, wait. Was Connor flirting with him? Like because Bucky and Captain America are totally together and stuff? Shit, Evan just say something.

"Uh, ok." Evan stood up and hid his book under the bean bag.  Connor stood up and they walked through the bookshelves. Evan stubbed his toe on a corner.

"Fuuu- I uh mean um... shoot." Connor raised an eyebrow.

"Wow were you about to drop an f-bomb? Evan Hansen cursing?" Evan's face turned pink.

"Uh... I uh... you're not the only person in the world that can c-curse." Evan picked at his cast.

-

They both walked to Evan's apartment after school and ordered their costumes online. Jeremy was with Chloe or something. Michael stopped walking with Evan because it was awkward and Jeremy didn't want to hang out anymore. Evan and Connor sat on Evan's bed because Jeremy practically took over the whole room. Evan had his laptop open on Amazon and was looking for costumes. 

"What about this one?" Evan hovered the mouse over a bright blue Captain America costume. 

"Eh, that one's really bright. You want to blend in right? Maybe look for Infinity War Captain America?" Evan nodded. He scrolled down to a sweatshirt.

"Oh this one works I guess..." He checked the price. "Oh jeez... never mind we should keep looking."

"Nah it's fine. I'll pay for it. I have my dad's credit card." Evan's face was pale. "Calm down, it's not like I'm buying drugs with it." Connor moved the mouse and added the sweatshirt to cart. "I'll just get a Bucky sweatshirt." Connor put in the credit card information and paid for the sweatshirts.

"I kinda feel bad for you paying for all this though..." Evan sighed.

"Nah it's fine." Connor insisted. "Seriously my parents would be happy to see that I didn't spend money on pot." Evan winced.

"You uh... smoke drugs?" Connor picked at his chipped nail polish.

"Yeah... it's fine though. It's not like I'm going to arrive at school baked or something. " Connor crossed his legs and looked around the room. Evan fiddled with this fingers. There was a tense silence.  "Shit. Sorry to make things uncomfortable." Evan nodded silently. "So... uh..."

"I kinda wanted to tell you uh..." Evan picked at his cast. Connor's name on the front was fading a bit. "A-about my arm... uh..."

"You fell right? Out of a tree? You told me." Evan's eyes hurt and things started getting blurry. "Evan are you ok?" Connor started rubbing soothing circles on Evan's back. 

“S-sorry, uh,” His voice broke. “Sorry this is stupid I’m stupid you can hate me this is dumb why did I have to bring this up and ruin things here we-we go n-n-noow I’m c-crying-” Evan spat out in one sentence.

“Shhh it’s ok. Just breathe, you’re scaring me.” Evan felt a million tears fall down his face.

"I... I um- I l-let go." Connor brought Evan into a warm hug. Evan buried his head in Connor's chest. "I'm... sorry.... this is s-s-stupid... I'm s-stupid..." Evan mumbled. 

"Shh, shh it's ok…” He comforted. “You’re not stupid. It’s ok.” Connor never heard his voice so soft.  “I uh know how it feels... to want to let go." Evan felt safe in Connor's arms. “It sucks.”

"I just... I just let go... I-I wasn't thinking... I'm sorry… I-I shouldn’t have l-lied." Connor brushed Evan's hair with his hand. 

"Shh, it's ok."

“I-I shouldn’t have-have brought this-this up, I’m s-sorry-”

“Shh, it’s okay to vent.”

"I just, I-I just climbed u-until I couldn't f-find an-another branch and-and I thought- this must be it... I-I-" Evan wrapped his arms around Connor.’

"Shhh, it's ok. Just uh, try to breathe." Evan choked on a tear. 

"I-I just felt so alone..." Evan's voice was muffled from Connor's sweatshirt. "some-sometimes I feel like-like no one would notice if I wasn't here tomorrow-would anybody he-even care i-if I disappeared?" Evan was basically sitting in Connor's lap now. 

"Shhh, it's ok. I care Evan. I would care. I mean, who would I be able to talk to about Marvel shit with?" Evan laughed a little. He didn’t want to get go of Connor. He felt so safe. Like if all the world stopped and he didn’t have to worry. He wanted to say something. Just talk. Be a normal human being. 

"T-thanks," Evan said, his voice still muffled by Connor's sweatshirt. 

"I'm here for you, just uh, focus on your breathing." Evan took a deep breath. Connor’s sweatshirt was soaked in Evan’s tears. "Shit I am so gay," Connor said to himself.

"Did y-you say something?" Evan pulled away and wiped his eyes. They were all red a puffy. Connor's face turned pink.  

"Uh... nevermind." The door busted open. It was Jeremy. He was wearing another Eminem shirt and pre-ripped jeans. He rolled his eyes. He was holding a sweatshirt in one arm and his backpack in the other. 

"Oh sorry, did I barged in on you two making out or something?" He said sarcastically.  Both Evan's and Connor's faces turned bright red.

"What-no fuck you!" Connor snapped. Evan looked away. Jeremy quirked an eyebrow. 

"Evan, what did I say about hanging in my room?" Evan winced. Jeremy dropped his backpack onto a bean bag and threw his sweatshirt on the floor.

"What the fuck Jeremy?! Why do you have to be such an asshole?!" Connor stood up. Evan reached to stop him but hesitated.

"Evan, why don't you control your boyfriend? He looks like he's going to murder someone." With a scowl, Connor threw a punch at Jeremy, aiming for the other man’s cheek. Unfortunately, before he actually touched the brunette, Evan grabbed his arm, forcing him to stop. 

"Sorry, Jeremy." Evan dragged Connor out of the room. That didn't stop him from flipping Jeremy off the whole time though. Evan dragged Connor downstairs and into the living room. He only realized he was still holding Connor's arm when they sat down.

"Why the hell did you do that?" Connor's voice broke.

"I don't know. Th-the last thing everyone needs is more drama." Evan tapped his finger on the couch. He was thinking about how Jeremy was calling Connor Evans boyfriend. Evan couldn't help but smile a bit a tried to hide it by wiping tears off his face. "T-thanks... for everything." Connor smiled. A real smile, not a smirk.

"YOU TWO BETTER NOT BE FUCKING ON THE COUCH OR SOMETHING!" Jeremy yelled from up the stairs. Evan hid his face in a blanket and Connor laughed. 

-

Jeremy sat on his bed on his laptop. “Why do you have to be such a jerk to Evan? He looked like he was just bawling his eyes out?!” [Jeremy, you took the upgrade. This is on you, so stop asking questions. It’s obnoxious.] Jeremy was looking online for an Halloween costume. “Why am I ordering a costume?” [Because you’re going to Jake’s Halloween party.] “Why can’t we just go to the store?” [Because ordering it online is just easier.] Jeremy ordered the most expensive costume for one-day shipping. “My dad is going to kill me or ordering this.” [Just don’t talk to him. Besides. He has ‘work’ late night.] 

-

"AHH!" Evan sprung awake from a weird dream he was having. He almost fell off the couch. It was the previous day, they were on Evan's bed. Him and Connor. But in the dream, Connor was touching Evan's face and Evan wasn't crying... and it was soft a nice- but it was weird! Evan never had a dream like that before. He felt weird thinking about it now. The more he thought about it the more he thought about how weird it was he was thinking about it. Evan's face was all red. He couldn't help it. He looked over at Jeremy who was in the kitchen grabbing a snack.

"Uh, don't yell like that? You almost made me drop my sandwich." Jeremy said shutting the fridge. He cleared his throat. Rude. "...Why is your face red?" Evan ran his hand through his hair.

"S-sorry just an uh, weird dream I guess." Jeremy's expression didn't change.

"... Okay." Jeremy’s voice was flat. Monotone and just,  _ empty _ . Like if all the personality was drained out of him. Jeremy took his sandwich and went back upstairs. The door slammed shut. Evan laid back down and stared at the ceiling. That was weird. He felt uncomfortable.

 

-

A few days later Evan and Connor's costumes or hoodies arrived in the mail. Jeremy was out somewhere or something so the two of them tried on the costumes. Connor paired his sweatshirt with ripped jeans and boots complete with messy eyeshadow. He practiced putting on dark makeup that he stole from Zoe around his eyes. Evan wore his Captain America hoodie and blue jeans. He borrowed a pair of boots from Connor to complete the look. Connor’s shoes where a size above his, causing Evan to keep stumbling around until he got used to it. Connor came out of the bathroom and saw Evan looking adorable in his costume on his laptop. Evan looked up when he caught Connor staring.

"Um?" Connor snapped out of his imagination.

"Oh, uh," He looked around the room. "I used to think there where more plants in your room?" Evan shrugged.

"Oh, yea. Jeremy tried to get rid of them, so I just moved them downstairs. I kinda have a thing for-" Connor cut him off.

"Plants yea we know Evan. Shit, you're gonna drown me with your forest facts someday." Evan laughed a bit at himself. Connor walked over to see what Evan was looking at on his computer. "So... whatcha doing?" 

"Oh, uh just um on Tumblr... I guess." He mumbled.

"Lemme guess. You have a nature blog?" 

"Yeah, kinda." Evan scrolled down his blog and showed old pictures of plants he had in his house. He looked up at Connor. "Pshhh, nice makeup. You look like an emo teen from a drama movie that just got over a breakup." Connor stood up.

"Well, a brainwashed soldier that just realized that his mission was his childhood friend/army friend yeah he would be upset." Connor walked into the hallway. “I’m gonna wash off this makeup before anyone sees me and thinks I’m having a mental breakdown because My Chemical Romance is splitting up.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Creator here!   
> So I was lucky enough to get to see Dear Evan Hansen recently and it was amazing! I got to get Laura Dreyfuss's and Rachel Bay Jones's signatures and I cried a lot. Thank you so much for reading and comment on anything! Thanks again.  
> Sincerely,  
> \- Me


	11. Halloween

Evan to Michael 7:34 pm

Hey, are you going to the party?

 

Michael to Evan 7:35 pm

idk i might come l8r

 

Evan to Michael 7:35 pm

wait why?

 

Michael to Evan 7:36 pm

im just not the best at social events

 

Michael to Evan 7:37 pm

have fun w/ connor

 

Evan sighed and tucked his phone into his pocket. He and Connor were both dressed up and ready to go to the Halloween party. Evan wasn't looking forward to it. 

"So you're going to keep an eye out for Jeremy?" Heidi asked at the door. Connor shrugged.

"I guess. just so he doesn't do anything crazy," Connor said. Evan picked at his cast. Only a few more weeks until it has to be removed. 

"Okay, you two have fun!" Heidi brought Evan and Connor in for an awkward hug.

"T-thanks mom..." Evan said embarrassed. They walked down to the sidewalk and towards the bus stop. Evan looked up at Connor, who had makeup smudged all over his eyes. 

"I k-kinda wish I-I had makeup or something so-so people won't know i-it's me," Evan mumbled. He bit his lip. 

"Look, I'm going to be honest with you, everyone at the party is most likely going to be drunk or high. I don't think they'll be judging you." Evan nodded. They quickly got on the bus after a few people got off. It wasn't very crowded but there weren't any free seats, so Evan and Connor had to stand. Jake's parents owned a penthouse a few blocks from the school, so most kids either walked, took the bus or the sub. Evan kept his eyes glued to the floor. He didn't want to do this, but he wants to help Jeremy. And because he's never been to a  _ real _ party before. The bus stopped a few times before Evan and Connor got off. 

There was a crowd of kids in Halloween costumes near the lobby of what presumably was Jake Dillinger's apartment. Evan felt his heart start racing and accidentally grabbed Connor's hand in his. 

"Uh... Evan?" Connor lifted up his hand that Evan was holding.

"Oh- uh right I uh sorry." Evan let go and dug his nails into the palm of his hand. 

"Evan it's ok, you don't have to do this.... we could go back and get food or whatever." Evan held his breath.

"N-no it's fine." He insisted. They entered the lobby and waited for the elevator with a few other teens. Someone was dressed as a Yeti, someone else was... a character from Shakespeare or something? A girl was 'dressed' as a cat. There was also someone dressed as Doctor Strange. 

"O-M-G," The girl said. "I love your costumes. Look! Aren't you all from the Justice League?" She said pointing to Connor, Evan, and the person dressed as Dr. Strange.

"You mean the Avengers?" Connor corrected.

"That's what I said."

"No, the Justice League- yeah. You're right." He said sarcastically. The elevator opened and the teens hurried in. Someone else with a picture of a bath bomb taped to their shirt squeezed in. Of course, it was Jared.

Evan was squished between the Yeti and Connor. The Yeti took up most of the space in the small elevator anyways.

"Hey, Evan. Nice couples costume with Connor." A few other people in the elevator snickered. Connor rolled his eyes.

"W-what do you mean? I uh- It's not a couple's costume." Jared smirked.

"Uh, yeah it is. Everybody knows that Cap and Bucky are  _ basically  _ dating. Like, come on. Who sacrifices their life for each other multiple times and is still 'no homo?'"

"J-Jared please stop." Evan felt his hands grow sweaty.

"I'm just saying-"

"Shut up already!" Connor snapped. The elevator went dead silent until they reached Jake's apartment. The teens spilled out when the doors opened. There was a DJ (no one big, Evan thinks he saw him around school once or twice),  people writing things on the walls, people breaking stuff. The normal party stuff. It was also really loud. Evan spotted Jeremy on the sofa talking to some other people. 

"There's Jeremy!" Evan pointed. Connor tried to follow Evan but got lost in the crowd. Evan looked around and lost where he was going. Shit. How big was this apartment? "S-sorry, excuse me s-sorry." He squished through the crowd.

"Hey look, it's tree boy!" Evan ran into Chole and she held up his left arm. 

"Ow. H-h-hi p-p-p-please d-don't..." Evan stuttered. He tried to push through.

"Where are you going?" She asked. Evan wanted to leave. He didn't want to be here anymore. He wanted to disappear. Be gone. Anywhere but here. He could hear his anxiety scaring him and getting worse by the second. He sprinted to a door and ran inside. 

He was in a bathroom. Evan sat on the floor. He was breathing heavy, his palms were sweaty. His vision was going blurry because of his tears- when did he start crying? Evan felt bad that he left Connor.  _ That was a stupid idea. Way to go. You ruined your Halloween experience and now you're going to have this awful memory burned into your brain _ . Evan just wanted to silence the sound and voices in his head. It was so loud. He couldn't silence it. Everything was so loud. He hugged his knees and rocked a little. Evan tried to calm himself down by some of the techniques his therapist thought him. 

"Shhh.... shhh..." Evan said to himself. He tried breathing normal, it only made him more anxious about his breathing. Was he breathing oddly? Was he not breathing slow enough? God someone help.  

"Shhh... shhh..." He looked at his cast and traced Connor's name with his finger. He thought of Connor and how nice he had been to Evan. He wanted Connor to be here to help him. Evan was lost in the void and needed someone to help him out. Help him out of his own thoughts. 

Evan winced when someone else entered the bathroom and locked the door behind them. Shit. Evan forgot to lock the door now what- It's Michael.

"E-Evan?" Michael recognized the cast. "A-are you ok? Well, of course, you're not ok - uh sorry I'm just having a panic attack... you know?" He sat next to Evan on the tile. Evan nodded. Michael's hand's where shaking.

"Y-you came." Evan managed to say. Michael smiled weakly.

"Ye-yeah." There was a beat. "Parties suck, don't they?" Evan nodded. Evan gestured with his hands before talking.

"Do y-you ever just- want to be gone? LikeIknowthatsoundreallybadimsorrypleasedonthatemeishouldjustshutup-"

"Yeah." Michael cut Evan off from rambling. "Like j-just alone without worrying about anyone judging you..." Evan shifted a bit to face Michael.

"Y-yeah! Like just t-to quiet the voices, or n-not have to worry so much." He smiled weakly. "I-I've never related t-to someone l-like this b-before." Michael brought him in for a warm hug. 

"It's okay. I'm here for you... no homo though." They both laughed a bit at the comment. They both winced at someone knocking at the door. 

"Shit-uh," Evan whispered. 

"Shh, look it's ok we don't have to answer it."

"Evan are you in there?" The person said from the side of the door.

"Okay, I guess you have to answer it," Michael whispered crawling into the bathtub and pulling the curtain shut. "It's okay, I'll just be here if you need me." Evan took a breath before answering the door. It was Connor. Thank god. 

"Connor, y-you scared me." Evan's voice broke.

"Sorry, I lost you in the crowd and stuff- are you ok? You sound like you were just crying."

"I'm fine!" Evan gestured with his hands. "I'm fine, I'm just, uh you know- me uh..." Evan left the room and shut the door behind him. He felt bad leaving Michael there. "S-so uh, you were looking for me?"

"Come here." Connor dragged Evan to the bar.

"I don't uh drink." Evan stuttered.

"Don't worry, I'll make sure you don't do anything crazy. Just to loosen up a little." While there was a bar, it wasn’t really attended to. It was more, grab a glass, pick your poison. There was already some other drinks at other tables, because of course there was. “We’re just gonna go with vodka. It doesn’t burn like Fireball, but you. It’s alcohol, plus high alcohol content” Connor said, hopping behind the bar to grab shot glasses. He opened the bottle with a grin, filling the glasses to the brim with the clear liquid.

“Oh jeez,” Evan mumbled, rubbing his forearm, occasionally scratching at the fabric of his shirt. “Is it- is it okay?” He asked, grabbing the glass hesitantly. He held it up, eyeing the drink warily. His hand shook slightly, and he was worried it would’ve spilled. “Isn’t this illegal?” 

“Duh, we’re not 21, ‘course it’s illegal, but no one cares. Suits aren’t gonna come banging on your door because you drank alcohol,” Connor scoffed with a roll of his eyes as he picked up his glass, much steadier than Evan. “Cheers!” With a quick tap against Evan’s glass, Connor threw his head back, glass against his lips as he downed the drink, his adam’s apples bobbing before he slammed the glass on the counter. 

Blinking quickly, Evan tried to process what happened in the mere span of a few seconds. “Do I, uh, do I do that too?” He asked, lowering the glass. 

“Nah, but it’s better that way,” he shrugged, filling his glass up once more. “You can try and drink it normally, whatever you want to do,” he finished, throwing back another shot.

Thinning his lips, Evan spent what felt like years contemplating whether he should just drink it as if it was a normal drink, or if he should replicate what Connor did. 

With a quick inhale through his nose, he threw his head back, his shot glass coming up as well. 

And fuck did it  _ burn _ going down his throat. Dropping his glass onto the counter, he coughed harshly, rubbing at his throat. 

“Ah, shit,” Connor mumbled, looking for a water bottle or something around him that could be of any use. Once he found a drink (he stole someone’s Monster), he slid it to Evan, he was no longer coughing. “Here, we can mix this with the vodka or we can just drink it right after the shot, whatever you wanna do.”

“Um, let’s uh,” Evan paused, grabbing the drink and taking a sip. He cringed internally, not liking the taste. “Let’s uh, just keep taking shots,” he mumbled, pulling at his fingers as he watched Connor fill their glasses up once more. 

-

Jeremy was across the room sitting with Chole. "Do you like my costume? Everyone always goes as a cat, so I decided to go as a dog." [Vague complement.]

"Very, original... I mean you look amazing!" Jeremy looked around the room nervously. [Jeremy take a drink, you have to relax.]  _ What? No, I'm only 16!  _ [Fine, I'll do it.] "So Brooke, do you want to go grab a drink?" They both stood up, and at one point ended up with a Corona in hand. They made their way to the bar, taking a seat next to someone dressed as Captain America (who was most likely drunk), with someone as Bucky right next to him. Jeremy had to take a double take before he realized who it was.

"Sup asshole." Connor looked him dead in the eyes.  _ Ahh what do I do? Connor looks really mad at me, probably still mad at me for what happened last week. God, I was such a jerk to him. _ [Jeremy calm down. He wasn't invited to this party, ask him why he even showed up.]

"Why are you even at this party? You weren't even invited!" Connor rolled his eyes.

"Yeah, neither were you." Evan leaned against Connor, his face scrunching up as the world spun from such little movement. He avoided moving his head too much. "I'm here because Evan didn't want you to fuck things up." Jeremy put his hands on the table.

"I don't need a babysitter!" Brooke rolled her eyes with a sigh as she took a sip of her drink.

"Don't get mad at me because Evan cares enough about you to look out for you even though you've treated him like shit." Jeremy took a step back. He had to clear his head. 

"Uh, Brooke, I'll be right back." Jeremy ran his hand through his hair looking for the bathroom. He opened a door he thought was a bathroom but turned out to be a closet. He opened another door and was glad to see that it was the bathroom. He locked the door behind him and splashed water in his face.

"Shit. What do I do-" He was started by someone stepping out of the shower. "SHIT- I uh, oh... thank god it's only you Michael." He didn't look amused. Michael wore a grey sweater with "CREEPS" spelled out in green letters. "I didn't know you were invited to this party?"

"I wasn't." His voice was monotone. It sounded broken though. Like if he just got out of a cryo. "I came to make sure you didn't do anything stupid. Again." Jeremy just stared at him. "You're speechless. Squip got your tongue?"Jeremy shook his head.

"No, it's uh weird right now..." Jeremy gave a pity smile.

"That explains why you're talking to me." There was a beat. "Life has sucked without you, you know? Do you know what you did? To losers like me?"

"Calm down, no one even notices you anyway." Michael looked at Jeremy, mouth wide open, aghast . Jeremy covered his mouth after he realized what he said. "Oh my god dude, I am so sorry-"

"Wow, it's really rubbing off on you." Michael closed his hand into a fist, and stutter a bit before talking. "How could you do this? Just forget about me and treat me like I'm nothing after 12 years of friendship!?" A tear rolled down his face. "You know what I found out?" Jeremy took a step back.

"About...?" Michael tapped his head. "But how- there's nothing on the internet-" Michael cut him off. 

"Which is weird right?" He almost yelled. "I mean, what's not on the internet? I asked Evan if he knew anything about it and his friend Jared knew a lot about it! His cousin took one. He went from a D student to the honor roll." Michael wiped the tear off his face. "Do you know where he is now?" Jeremy shrugged.

"Living a great life?"

"He's in a mental hospital." All of the emotion drained in Jeremy's face. His stomach did a complete flip and he felt like he was going to be sick. "This is a supercomputer- you think its only job is to get you popular?!" 

"Michael I think I'll be fine-"

"No- Jeremy think about it. How did this get to a high school? In New York? This scary technology is new- never heard of." Jeremy took another step back. "Ever wonder what it's doing inside YOU?" Jeremy furrowed his eyebrows. 

"Maybe you're just jealous- yeah! You're upset that you didn't get one and be cool like me."

"No- Jeremy  _ listen to me _ "

"No! You're just upset that I got one and you didn't!" Jeremy gestured with his hands and looked Michael dead in the eye.

"Jeremy-"

"What so I just get lucky and FINALLY something in my life goes right and now you hate me? I'd say the universe finally owed me something after I was treated awfully! I don't care about what Evan's friend's cousin said about his squip that made him crazy-" Michael cut him off.

"HIS SQUIP DIDN'T MAKE HIM GO CRAZY, IT WAS WHEN HE TRIED TO GET IT OUT!" He yelled. Many tears were pouring down Michael's face now. Jeremy crossed his arms.

"Oh well... why would I want to do that?" Jeremy turned to the door but Michael stopped him. "Move out of my way."

"Or you'll what?" Michael's voice broke. Jeremy looked at him dead in the eye and shoved past him.

"Move out of my way." He said again leaving the bathroom. "Loser." Jeremy slammed the door shut.

-

Multiple shots later and Evan is stumbling around. One, because he was borrowing Connor's boots and two, he was kinda drunk. Hella drunk. Connor walked him over to a sofa to sit down. Evan rested his head in Connor's lap with a groan, rubbing at his eyes when the world continued to spin despite him no longer moving around. 

"Evan are you drunk?" Connor asked. He was tempted to have a few more drinks himself, but he didn't feel like waking up the next morning in a stranger's house.

"N...no I'm not... drunk." There was a slur in his voice. He traced Connor's name on his cast. Evan laughed a bit to himself.

"What's so funny?"

"I just uh,” he furrowed his brow, eyes squinting as he made some hand gestures, as if figuring out what he was trying to say. “I uh, love your hair..." Evan finished, reaching up to play with Connor's brown locks 

"You like my hair?"

"Mm-hm." Jared took a seat by them. 

"Wow Connor, how drunk did you get your boyfriend?" Connor rolled his eyes.

"Fuck off Jared." A boy with a t-shirt that said: "Friday the 13th" and blond hair started running up to random people asking them for something. He ran over to were Connor and  Evan where sitting.

"Do you guys have Mountain Dew red? It's like normal Mountain Dew- but red?" Evan grunted. Connor shook his head.

"No?" 

"Wait- you need what?" Jared stood up.

"Mountain Dew red!" They both ran off into the crowd. From across the room, Connor located Jeremy talking to some girl dressed as a Shakespeare character. The same one from the elevator most likely.

-

"So where's your date?" Jeremy asked. Christine looked uncomfortable.

"He uh, dumped me for his ex." She stated.

"Oh, uh that sucks."

"Yeah..." There was a tense silence. "So uh... is the rumor true?"

"Hun?" Jeremy looked up. [jeRemY- tHis iS yOur cHancE] Wait why are you acting so weird? [tHe aLcohoL]

"Was Chole right? Do you have a crush on me?" Jeremy regretted everything at the moment. He regretted telling that lie most of all. That he liked Christine. He didn't. [aSk hEr oooOoouT]

"Christine," Jeremy held her hands. "Will you go out with me?" She stood up and let go of Jeremy's hands.

"I'm sorry,"

"Christine wait!"

"I feel like I don't know you." Jeremy reached out as she left. Rich came running towards Jeremy like a bullet.

"Do you have Mountain Dew-"

"Hey, that whole drinking with a Squip that would have been nice for you to give me a warning." Rich left with someone following behind him. [Re-calibrating... loading...]  _ Thank god you're back.  _ [Downloading recent events...] Jeremy shifted in his seat. [Downloading Complete.]  _ Great now- _ [Jeremy you have to leave the building.]  _ What? _ [NOW] Jeremy immediately stood up and sprinted to the door without knowing why. The squip stopped him from going into the elevator. [Take the stairs]  _ why- _ [BECAUSE THERE IS A FIRE JEREMY] Jeremy looked back to see smoke and people running to the stairs. There were screams and people fainting. A fire was started in the kitchen and was spreading throughout the penthouses!

Jeremy sprinted through the crowd and to the stairway, which was filled with other teens screaming and running. 

"Help!" Jeremy turned to see Connor, one of the last few people carrying Evan who was stumbling through the ashes. [Jeremy leave him just GO!] Jeremy couldn't fight back. He didn't have a choice to run down the stairs. 

"I'm here!" Michael was lucky there to help Connor carry Evan down the steps. When they got to the ground floor, they just ran down the street before any of the police or firefighters could catch them. Connor didn't feel like getting Evan in trouble for underage drinking. Lucky they were busy with the fire and some other people still inside. Connor was still hooked up on the adrenaline rush when him Michael and Evan were about five blocks away.

"C-Connor, I need to head home," Michael said, out of breath.

"Okay, uh, thanks." He rested Evan on a bench. Evan was almost completely out. Not sure if it was from drinking or the excitement, but he wasn't going to wake up until morning.

"You can carry him to your place? I mean, I don't know if that was started by Jeremy or anything. It's probably for the best that they don't see each other for a bit." Connor nodded, looking down at Evan. "Okay, don't get mad at me, but the way you look at him-"

"You were heading home right?" Michael nodded and quickly walked off. Connor's apartment wasn't very far, so he picked Evan up again and walked him home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, Japo here! I wrote a scene this time, lol, and it was the part where Evan and Connor were drinking. A lot of drinks mentioned are all drinks that I've had in the past, since I wanted to make it feel like I wasn't pulling it out of my ass. The first time I drank (with my friend's sister) it burned a lot going down, but she brought coke and Monster for us to drink, so drinking something else without any alcohol helped plenty. 
> 
> BTW, Jeremy is buzzed at most, because Corona has an alcohol content of 4.5% (and he only had one can), while Evan and Connor were taking many shots of vodka, which has an alcohol content of 40%. When I first had Hennessy (also 40%), which was my first drink, I was buzzed after two shots. So, after at least four perhaps, it shouldn't be much of a stretch to say Evan should be drunk, since he has a low tolerance to alcohol. Connor, on the other hand, has a higher tolerance, having drank before, so while Evan is buzzed after two shots, we could still say Connor is still a little sober. 
> 
> A lot of the drunk things are also based on when I got drunk (world spinning, not knowing what they're saying, struggling with words/sentences). Idk if those are universal symptoms, but that's just what I experienced. 
> 
> There was this one time I was at my friend's house, I puked in her backyard and covered it with grass and drunk texted a group chat my ex was in. Fun times. 
> 
> On that note though, don't drink underage. Once again, I'm being hypocritical (first drugs, now alcohol?), but seriously, you shouldn't. Like, there's a reason why, but just don't do it. I'm filled with bad decisions, don't be like me lol. Although, my question if: if you have drank alcohol before, what was it, and what was the dumbest thing you've done under influence?


	12. You're Not My Mom

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hate linking things because I can never remember the code thing or whatever, but it's convenient for everyone, so it's fine.  
> [Connor's houseplant](https://img.etsystatic.com/il/9c7e6c/1211862072/il_570xN.1211862072_3kuo.jpg?version=1)

Evan woke up that morning on a couch in an apartment. Except it wasn't his apartment. He slowly opened his eyes, blinking rapidly to try and get the crust out of his eyes before he ended up just rubbing it out with the back of his hand. Drawings were pinned to the walls along with some band posters. The dresser was overflowing with clothes and had a few dishes sitting on the top. The whole room smelt like weed. Evan looked over at the bed, about three feet away from him. It was Connor. Evan sighed with relief that it wasn't some strangers house. Evan rolled his head a little, his brow furrowing as the world spun a little, but thank god he didn’t have a pounding headache.

How much did he drink their other night? All Evan remembered was going to the party as Captain America, losing Connor in the crowd then running to the bathroom. Oh, and Michael was there to comfort him. Michael is such a good friend. Evan ran his hand through his hair. His Captain America 'costume' was spread across the floor. Evan looked down at what he was wearing, an old band t-shirt. It was a shirt he was borrowing from Connor. Well, he actually wore it under the Captain America sweatshirt, because he was cold.

Evan was resting on his right arm and had a blanket draped over him. Connor's room was big compared to Evan and Jeremy's. He looked at the digital clock on Connor's nightstand. 10:24 it read. Shit was Evan late for school? Does this count as skipping? Is he gonna get caught? Halloween was on a Wednesday this year- so today's Thursday.

Connor rolled over to the other side of his bed.

"Um, g-good morning Connor." Connor stretched his arms and legs and sat up. He had major bedhead and didn't have a shirt on. Evan looked up at the ceiling, blushing a bit. "At the r-risk of sounding awkward, how d-drunk was I last night?" Connor laughed a bit to himself and yawned before talking.

"Well, I only had a couple shots, but you took a few more and then passed out later. Uh, you were really clingy. Like for real. I made sure no one took advantage of drunk Evan." Evan sighed and laid back down. “Also you threw up before passing out on the couch.”

"Uh, I'm assuming we're in you're apartment right now, not some stranger's?" Connor looked around the room.

"Shit."

"Wait- what?"

"Nah, I'm just messing with you. Yeah this is my apartment." Evan nodded.

"So... why am I in your apartment?"Evan asked.

"Ohhh, right. There was a fire." Connor said casually.

"A fire?!"

"Yeah. Some kid with a loaf of bread and a hockey mask was running around asking people if they had Mountain Dew red? Then I'm pretty sure he started it." Evan fidgeted with his fingers. "I carried you here because Jeremy seemed unstable and stuff and I don't trust him right now." Evan looked out the huge window in Connor's room that leads out to a balcony.

"Oh, thanks..." He mumbled. Evan sat up, frowning at how sluggish he felt. "You have a balcony? That's really cool."

"Yeah, all the bedrooms have bathrooms and balconies. This is a penthouse." Evan's face lit up. He looked so amazed. Not gonna lie, Connor thought he looked so... adorable.

"Woa really?" Evan stumbled off the couch and walk toward the window.

"Oh, and last night I used your phone to text your mom. 'Cause she was really concerned and kept texting you... It was hard to sleep..." Connor added.

"Oh, uh sorry."

"Nah it's fine." Connor hid his arms under the blankets. "She kept asking you about therapy letters?" Evan cringed and hid his face in his hands.

"Shit- I uh... remember that day in the computer lab? When you signed my cast?"

"Yea?"

"T-that was an uh, letter I had to write to myself for t-therapy. Dear Evan Hansen, today's gonna be a good day and here's why." He bit his nails. "It's kinda dumb though... I mean, I don't see why today's gonna be a good day. I can see all the reasons why it's going to be a bad day so easily..." He drifted. "I uh, used to write them every day but slacked off in the summer and uh... after Jeremy and Mr. Heere moved in." Evan had a habit of biting his nails, his hands getting sweaty or fidgety. Or tapping or it always had to do something with his hands. He didn't like his hands. That's a weird thing to say though.

Connor looked at his digital clock."Uh you know we're technically skipping right now?" Evan turned to face Connor.

"Well- I mean, aren't we just late? Like can't we still go to school?" Connor rolled his eyes.

"Wow, you making it sound like you want to go to school." He reached over to a shirt that was sitting on a chair near his bed.

"Well, I uh, need good grades f-for college." Evan picked at his cast. "Well, I uh, I mean if I go to college... I'll probably go to a community college." Evan looked away. Connor slid the long-sleeved shirt over his head.

"Hm. It's fine if you only skip once. No offense but I doubt that you skipped before." Evan walked over to Connor's bed.

"I-I can skip! I can be edgy" Connor smirked and walked over to what Evan though was a closet, but was a bathroom.

"So, what do you want to do? We have the whole day to ourselves." He said splashing water on his face.

"Aren't your parents home?"

"Larry's at work, and my mom 's at a new Zumba class at her gym." He walked out and grabbed one of many sketchbooks on a messy desk. The desk had papers and drawing utensils spread out everywhere. There were some books stacked and dirty dishes. The desk looks scratched up like if it had been moved around a lot. Connor sat on the edge of his bed.

"Y-you call your father by his first name?" Evan asked. There was a bit of concern in his voice. Connor shrugged and opened his sketchbook to a bookmarked page.

"He's not much of a 'father' to me." He made quote marks with his fingers. "But he tries I guess. What about your father?" Evan winced.

"I uh, um... he lives in Colorado... with his other family."

"Jeez, sorry. That sucks." Evan moved some bedsheets and sat next to Connor. "Do you like, still keep in touch?" Evan bit his nails.

"I uh, sometimes. When m-my uh mom isn't home. We basically erased him from our lives. She g-got rid of pictures g-gifts. Y-you know." Connor was sketching a houseplant in the corner of his room. His art style was kinda sketchy but realistic. In the corner of the page, there was the same plant drawn a few times.

"You like houseplants?" Evan asked.

"Eh, I thought I would buy one after you suggested a few days ago. I think it's dying cause of all the smoke in the room though."

"Well, if you move it near the window, then it would get some sunlight. If you move it outside then it could get fresh air." Evan walked up to the plant and studied it. "Well, this is a Peace Lily. It purifies the air, so it's probably best if it's in your room. It filters the air and stuff. You should water it about every two or three days."

"You can tell all this just by looking at it?"

"Uh, I guess, the leaves and-"

"Okay, I don't need to know every plant fact in existence." Connor walked over and picked up the plant and moved it into the sunlight.

-

Jeremy woke up that morning to his phone blowing up with text messages. All about Rich starting the fire last night. He checked the time. 10: 34. [Just skip, it’s better that you don't show up.] Jeremy opened a group chat he was added to.

 

Chole: OMG did u guys see da fire last night?   
Jenna: gurl yea it was insane  
Chole: it was amzin  
Jake: well most of my stuf got burnt to crisp soooo  
Jenna: sucks to suck  
Jeremy: hi

 

Three other people started typing.

 

Chole: OMG jeerey  
Jenna: jeremy how could u   
Brooke: im not talkin to u rn   
Jeremy: wait wut did i do?  
Chole: u cheated on brooke with me and dat's not ok  
Brooke: but lik, we forgiv u  
Chole: wait wut i dont

 

Jeremy put his phone down and walked downstairs for some brunch. Heidi was at the counter reading a stack of papers that read "College Essay Contest" She looked up when she heard Jeremy come down the steps.

"Oh, hi dear, shouldn't you be in school?" [It was canceled today.]

"Uh, because of all the Halloween parties, they canceled it." [Why would the school give students a day off because of parties?] I don't know-

"Oh." She said. "I have a day off today because the other nurses said I’ve been working too hard." Jeremy walked to the other side of the counter. She held up a paper. "These are some essay contest I've been looking at for Evan. If you win you can raise money to go to college." Jeremy felt uncomfortable. He didn't know Heidi was here, he just wanted a day to himself- speaking of Evan, where is he?

"Uh, do you know where Evan is?" His eyes scanned the room for clues.

"Oh, he's at his friend's Connor's house." Of course, he is. "He texted me something about a fire at a Halloween party? Were you at that party?" Jeremy hesitated.

"Um,- no. different party." [Go back upstairs] but I'm hungry. Jeremy walked over to the fridge and made himself a sandwich.

"Next time can you tell me where you're going before you leave? It kinda scared me."

"Well... you're not always here..." Jeremy said quietly.

"Look, I work hard to take care of you, I’m trying to be here."

"But you're not! You're never here! You don't even know who me!" Jeremy put the lunchmeat in the fridge and slammed the door shut.

"Jeremy," Her voice was soft and soothing. "Please, I don't want to fight."

"You're not my mom," Jeremy said and ran off upstairs with his sandwich.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Japo here! I've never actually experienced a hangover before, mainly because I just puked multiple times before going to sleep, or only went to sleep buzzed, so I didn't attempt to write one. I've never seen my parents have a hangover, either (my mom just stayed in bed, and my dad is a different story), so I can't really use that to try and write a hangover.
> 
> also those emoji's took awhile lmao. i had to look at [this emoji list](http://unicode.org/emoji/charts/full-emoji-list.html) to get all the codes for each emoji and i'm so glad it works


	13. Movies and Crying (READ NOTE)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan and Connor watch a movie together and cry a lot. Jeremy's online life is blowing up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> >READ ME<
> 
> ok, this chapter includes INFINITY WAR SPOILERS so at some point we use ='s instead of -'s to show the passage of time. the paragraphs in the ='s aren't 100% plot relevant.
> 
> (so just skip the part where there is ='s if you don't want any spoilers)

Connor showed Evan around his apartment, showing him the view and stuff. Evan always lived in small, cheap apartments (well they were actually really expensive though.) 

"So... what do you want to do? I asked you earlier and you avoided my question." Evan fidgeted with the hum of his shirt.

"Oh, uh sorry." He said, sitting on a stool by the kitchen. "Uh, it would be kinda weird seeing two teenagers hanging around n-not at school?" Connor rolled his eyes. Evan tapped his foot. He couldn't stop fidgeting. His hand, his foot, darting his eyes across the room. He hasn't been taking the medicine Dr. Sherman suggested. Mainly because he was too afraid to go into his room lately because of Jeremy. It wasn't his fault- it was the drug thing. Right? Thinking about it made him angry. Jeremy ditched him so many times. Wait- Evan was zoned out while Connor was talking. He was saying something- hopefully, it wasn't a question. Listen to what he's saying before he stops talking- Evan you are  _ exhausting _ .

"Evan?" Connor waited for a response. Evan flinched snapping out of his own thoughts. 

"Uh, uh sorry." Evan dug his nails into the palm of his hand until his knuckles turned white and marked his skin with crescent shaped marks. 

 

"Do you wanna like, rent a movie or something?" Connor said. Evan nodded they moved onto the couch. Connor went on Amazon Prime and looked at the movies that have recently been released. 

"OH! Can we uh- watch Infinity war? I didn't get to see it- remember?" Connor sighed, laughing to himself a bit. "Wh-what? Is it really bad or anything?" Connor gestured with his hands, looking like he was trying to say something.

"Well uh, don't get mad at me cause  _ you _ picked it out. ok?" Connor saw the movie when it came out because A. the trailer looked  _ astounding _ and B. it was a  _ Marvel _ movie and those are  _ excellent _ (if one wasn’t including the movies that happened before Iron Man). Obviously, Connor didn't know what he was getting into and was balling like a baby by the end of the movie. 

Evan sat next to Connor, fiddling with a blanket in his lap. Connor went to make popcorn while the Marvel logo was playing. "I'm so excited I've heard so many great things about it and seen stuff online like, infinity war spoilers without context and I'm really confused- w-what was the bubbles for- and a doughnut-" 

"Evan. Shut up." The phrase was mean but his tone was soft. "We can't watch the movie if you're rambling your ass off the entire time." He laughed a bit to himself. Connor sat next to Evan after pouring the popcorn into a large bowl and sharing it with him.

\- 

Michael paced around his room, with the door locked. He didn't want to talk to anyone- just think. Michael's room was small but he liked it. There was game posters, old pictures of him and Jeremy pinned on the walls. His dresser was full of clothes, but Michael always stuck to his red hoodie. Sometimes he wore a bandana. His glasses were on his nightstand with a framed picture of him and Jeremy at Disney World when they were like, 10. It was a cute picture, Jeremy had a Mickey Mouse ice cream and Michael had Mickey Mouse ears. The more he studied the picture the madder Michael got a Jeremy.

Why was Jeremy such a jerk?  Why should he even try to help Jeremy? If he got himself into the mess he can get himself out of it. No that's mean he shouldn't do that- Jeremy wasn't controlling his actions- but he said the squip was off?  _ Dammit Jeremy, why do you have to be so confusing. _

 

Michael sat on his bed and put on his glasses. He barely got any sleep last night, because of the party and the fire... and Jeremy of course. God, why couldn't he get Jeremy out of his head?! He looked at his phone that was charging beside his bed. Michael buried his face in his hands and laid down. 

Jeremy this. Jeremy that. Think of something else for once... the fire, the party, helping Evan in the bathroom- god that sounds weird. Poor Evan, he was probably terrified by the fire. God that was insane. Michael reached over to his phone. His lock screen was a picture of him and Jeremy on the first day. Of course. Jeremy looked bored and bummed out and Michael was making a face at the camera. He opened the messages and texted Evan.

 

To Evan:

hey, are u ok? the fire was sacry and stuf and idk if u were freakin out or smth

 

He waited a minute or so before he got a response.

 

From Evan: 

yea im ok, im at connor's house rn

 

From Evan:

apertment****

 

From Evan: 

apartment*

 

Oh, that's right- Connor carried Evan to his apartment last night. 

 

To Evan:

o ok

 

From Evan:

we re watchin infinity war

 

To Evan:

omg u poor soul

 

From Evan:

????

 

To Evan:

tell con i said hi

 

From Evan:

ok

 

Michael couldn't help but notice something between those two. But if they didn't like each other like that, it's fine- Michael wouldn't push it. He wondered if Jeremy noticed that too. Because Evan blushed a lot- he could just be cold or something. And sometimes when they walked together to school Evan's and Connor's hands would brush against each other and they would both pull away thinking that Michael didn't notice anything. 

 

Michael picked up his vintage-Gameboy that he bought off of someone on eBay. He had been playing one of the old Pokemon games for a while now. He was on the fourth gym battle- out of the eight gym leaders.

 

-

 

Evan was already crying in the first 20 minutes because of this ass-face-purple-raisin-shit-eating-grape (Thanos). "T-they wouldn't do that r-right? They c-can't do that- how could they???" Connor laughed a bit, looking away wiping his own tear because he knows what's coming up. What is he doing to this poor boy.

 

-

 

Two hours later and Evan was curled up next to Connor, both of them balling their eyes out. Connor was dying inside too and his Infinity War Depression was returning. Evan was squeezing a pillow with his knees up to his chest and Connor was also scrunched up trying to cry. He'd normally not care too much for fictional universes, but this was  _ Marvel _ . He grew up with these characters reading the comics and such. He would block out the whole world and just invest in this fictional one. The popcorn was almost gone and Connor was digging his nails into his legs through the fabric of his sweatpants. Evan was visibly shaking and his tears were blurring his vision.

 

==== (Infinity War spoilers ↓↓↓ )

 

Evan winced as one by one his favorite characters started to fade away. He was already crying because Vision had to die  _ twice _ which looked very painful and who knows what was going through Wanda's head as she watched them die. "No." He said quietly, his voice breaking. Then one by one they all started fading to dust. Bucky, then Groot, then T'Challa, then Quill, then Strange.

Connor mouthed the words in sync when Peter said: "Mr. Stark, I don't feel so good." Evan broke into a sob as Peter pleaded for Tony to help him, saying that he didn't want to go, that he didn't want to die. Until his last line, "I'm sorry."

 

==== (Infinity War spoilers ↑↑↑ )

 

Evan held his breath and turned to Connor who was also speechless. He opened his mouth but couldn't say anything.

"I know." Was all Connor could manage to say back. And just like that, it felt like, the movie was over. Evan sat up from his scrunched position and waved his hands in the air before finally getting words out.

"HOW COULD THEY DO THAT?! W-WHAT THE ACTUAL FFFFFFFFFFF-fffff... freak." Evan lowered his voice. 

"I KNOW!" Connor yelled back, not caring about anyone who happened to hear them. Evan stood up to grab a tissue from the tissue box on the table. He opened his phone and began to text Michael.

 

To Michael:

ASDFGHJKLQEFVNH

 

From Michael:

IKR

 

To Michael:

and tony and epter and thanos anf i ned help plaes ahh im dyinf

 

Evan's fingers were struggling to type. Connor tried to ignore that fact that Evan was resting his head on Connor's shoulder for half the movie. 

 

From Michael:

It took me lik 2 weeks 2 get over that movie

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Creator Here!
> 
> Sorry for the short chapter, things are going to get exciting and dramatic soon- just you wait


	14. It Will Make Your Life Better

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Creator here,
> 
> I'm sorry for the feels.

Evan's phone rang after he texted Michael. It was his mom. "Oh, uh, sorry-"

"No- dude it's fine, it's your mom," Connor said. He cringed at the fact that he just called Evan 'dude'. He got up and brought the bowl to the kitchen. He lingered around for snacks.

"Hey, uh Mom?" Evan said, answering the call.

"Hey sweetie- are you ok? Is everything alright? You sound like you're crying- do you need me to pick you up-"

"No, mom, I'm fine... I was just uh," _ Say something hurry- say you were watching a sad movie with Connor, _ "I was just watching the end of a sad movie with Connor."  _ Shit it sounds like you went on a date or something. But a date with Connor would be everything- STOP WHAT WAS THAT. What the fuck Evan. _ Evan adjusted himself in his seat, stretching his legs out.

"Oh, okay- how's Connor by the way? You two have been hanging out a lot? Is something-"

"No mom!" Evan hid his face in the pillow, his face red. "Mom it's not like that- I - we are just friends."

"You know I'm just messing with you." Evan sighed. She most likely knew. "Anyways, I'm on my break right now and Dr. Murray said that you should be getting your cast off this week. Isn't that great?" He hesitated before answering.

"Uh- I - yeah. Wonderful." He said dryly. To be honest, it was kinda embarrassing being known as the 'tree kid'. Mainly because no one else in the school has a cast on their left arm that said "CONNOR" on it in big bold letters. At least now he wouldn't be spotted so easily by the crowd. But Evan's gonna miss tracing Connor's name on his arm when he's anxious- or when he just feels lonely, it's a reminder that someone is there for him. 

"Tomorrow after school, I have to pick you up and take you to the doctor's, okay?" Evan nodded but realized that she couldn't physically  _ see _ him.

"Uh, yeah. Okay." Evan made a mental note in his head. Connor returned with Trail Mix, picking out the M&Ms and nuts. 

"Okay, I have to go, bye sweetie. Love you."

"Bye mom, uh love you too." And she hung up. Connor fiddled with the remote in his hand.

"So... do you have to leave or something?" He asked, popping an M&M in his mouth.

"Oh, uh no. I'm getting my cast off tomorrow actually." Connor nodded, looking through the movies on Netflix now. It was around 1pm, His mom was going to be back from her cooking class soon.

"Oh, okay."  Connor didn't mind, really. It must be really uncomfortable to have to wear a cast. Especially when it has  _ Connor's _ name written on it in big bulky letters. Like a message to anyone saying 'HEY I'M CONNOR'S FRIEND'. Yeah that's a really nice thing to have on your arm... with a permanent marker. That was an ass move, to write his name like that. A  _ normal _ person just would have written it small and on the corner. But nope. Connor had to take up the whole space just because he felt like it one day. "Uh, do you want some trail mix?" He awkwardly offered Evan some. 

"Oh, uh no-thankyou." 

-

Heidi ended up picking Evan up in a taxi, bringing Evan home. Connor waved from the window inside as he left. "So did you boys have fun?"  Heidi sounded tired, as usual. Evan nodded as the car started to move. "How was the party- how drunk were you- Evan Hansen-"

"I wasn't that drunk- it wasn't that big of a party." Evan lied. "It was just some friends and stuff... I'm sorry I scared you." Heidi sighed.

"I heard that there was a fire."

"Different party."

"Connor texted me from your phone."

 

"I-uh -um" He stammered. Evan forgot that Connor did that. "He- uh was a bit drunk too." He mumbled.

"Evan, you can tell me these things. It's okay." Evan didn't want her to worry because she didn't need to worry about her already broken son. She's already trying to fix so many things in her life- why should Evan make it harder on her? Heidi smiled sadly. "I'm proud of you. You know, ‘cause you're socializing a lot more and all- that's a big step!" Evan forced a smile. 

"Ye-yeah." Evan looked out the window at the leaves on the ground. Evan always loved the fall. The colors of the trees, everything pumpkin-spiced. The cooling of the weather. And the holidays- no actually, Thanksgiving was always shit. He always had to head to his Dad's side and have Thanksgiving there in Colorado and leave his mom. And Halloween was just a reminder that Evan had no friends that invited him to any cool parties or anything. Well, this year was different. Hopefully, this year's Thanksgiving will be different too. 

They stopped at a couple of lights until they were around the block of their apartment. Heidi tipped the driver as Evan stepped out and shut the car door behind him. "T-thank you." He said to the driver. The driver nodded and drove away.

Heidi got a call when Evan was about to head inside. "Oh shoot, this is from work. Go on inside honey, I have to take this.” Evan nodded and opened the door with his key.

-

Evan walked up the steps to his room and plopped on his bed. He flinched when the door slammed shut and Jeremy was on the other side. He locked it and heald two things in his hand. Something Evan couldn't see and Mountain Dew.

"Oh- I uh jeez, Jeremy you gave me a h-heart attack. Uh," Evan backed up as Jeremy approached him. "W-what are you doing?"

"Don't you want to be cool?" Jeremy smiled. Creepy. His eyes looked like if he was trying to hide something. Like something inside him knew what was going to happen and didn’t like it. 

"What?"

"Isn't your worst fear people hating you and not accepting you?" Evan tapped his fingers anxiously on the bed.  _ Well I have a lot of fears- depending on the situation when everyone starts hating me and life becomes more meaning less and dull. _

 

"Uh- what are you getting to?" Jeremy held out a grey pill in the palm of his hand. Evan froze.  _ No this can’t be happening- Jeremy can’t be doing this- _

"It will make your life  _ better _ ." Evan shook his head frantically.

"N-no! I've seen what i-it has done to people I-I don't want to e-end up l-like that!" Jeremy's smiled dropped.

"Evan, I-"

“N-no I won’t do it.”

“Listen to me.” Jeremy took another step closer. 

"Stop! I-I'll call the cops! Y-yeah." Evan held his phone shakily in his hand.

"And what, say that someone's trying to give you a computer- that will only improve your life? Don't you want to have friends? Not have to worry about your hands getting sweaty?"

"...No. B-but I have friends! L-like Connor- a-and uh Jared." Evan pressed his back against the wall. Jeremy took a step closer and sighed. 

"You know Jared only uses you as a 'friend' for his car insurance." He made air quotes with his fingers. "And really- Connor? Why would  _ he _ hang out with  _ you _ . Evan Hansen? Out of the whole school?" Evan pulled his knees up to his chest.

"S-stop, you're j-just saying that t-to mess w-with me." Evan's voice broke.

"Do you really think Connor's your friend?" Evan buried his head in his knees.

"S-stop..."

"Evan- he's only using you. Do you think he really cares?"

"Y-you're wrong..." Evan could hear Jeremy squeezing the soda in his hand in frustration. "C-Connor's n-nice..." Evan's voice was muffled by his clothes.

“Don't depend too much on anyone in this world. Even your shadow leaves you when you're in darkness.” Evan sniffled. "Is he really?" It was dead silent. "The same boy who tortured his sister? The same boy who hates everyone no matter what?" Evan looked up and meet Jeremy's glare.

"I-I know t-this isn't y-you Jeremy. I-It's j-just the-"

"THE WHAT? SAY IT EVAN." Evan flinched. 

"The squip..." He said quietly. "It's corrupting you." Jeremy took a breath and looked away. He was towering over Evan.

"If you just take it- it  _ will _ help you." He said in a monotone voice. He held out the grey pill and Mountain Dew again. "There is a way to turn it off- Evan. Listen to me." Silence, and his own thoughts, which cut like razor blades through his brain. There was nowhere to go. Evan couldn't escape to the window- Jeremy would stop him. He couldn't run- couldn't scream. There was only one option- the one right in front of him.

Evan reached out and took the grey pill and soda in Jeremy's hands. Jeremy smiled as Evan popped the pill in his mouth and drank the soda. Not more than five seconds later- Evan was in intense pain. His head hurt like hell-  _ worse  _ than it ever did before. 

"OWWWWWWWWW!" Evan screamed. Jeremy watched as Evan spazzed in pain. He was shaking and couldn't focus on anything at all. Everything was going blurry and Evan was hearing more voices in his head than normal. 

 

[Calibration in process. Please excuse some mild discomfort.]

 

"H-help!" Evan reached out to Jeremy, who was walking away and looking down at his phone casually.  _ This was a bad idea- Evan shouldn't have done this- _

 

[Calibration complete. Access procedure initiated.]

 

Evan sighed as he thought what was the end of the pain. Tears were running down his cheeks what felt like fire against his skin. Evan was breathing heavy- so much so, his chest hurt. He was getting a headache from everything. But it all came back.

 

[Discomfort level may increase.]

 

Evan covered his mouth to shut himself up and avoid any attention on the street. Evan held his head, as his body involuntarily spasmed in pain. 

 

[Accessing: neural memory. Accessing: muscle memory. Access procedure:

complete.]

 

Evan sighed again as he thought what was the end again. Thankfully he was right this time.

 

[Evan Hansen... I am your Squip.] 

 

Evan looked up and saw a glowing blue figure in front of him.

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Creator here,
> 
> so uh... that happened. it's about to get real intense and angsty. sorry, Evan!


	15. Stop Lying to Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Like act two of all musicals- things are gonna keep getting worse D:
> 
> Also, we do not own the song “This Is Home” it’s by Cavetown and I suggest that you listen to it!

Evan pointed to the tall blue figure in front of him- it was changing forms- like into different people. "W-w-what is that?" Jeremy seemed to see it too. He sat on his bed and motioned to the figure.

"That's the squip." He said casually, then looking at his phone.

"W-why is it d-doing that?" He watched as it switched from person to person- people that Evan admired.

"It's taking a form that will help you." It finally settled on- Connor. Except it wasn't Connor. The whole vibe and everything was off... it made Evan feel uneasy.

[Evan I am your Squip. My main objective is to make your life better. Jeremy also has a Squip, so I can talk to him too. Hi Jeremy.] It waved to Jeremy and Jeremy waved back. This was freaky.  [Let's see... you have social anxiety, not very popular, hands sweat too much, denied feelings for his best friend-]

"Called it." Jeremy laughed a bit from the other side of the room. _This was such a stupid idea- why did you do this Evan? Everyone's going to hate you-you're gonna die alone-_

[Evan stop rambling in your thoughts- you know I can hear everything you're thinking.]

The Squip glitched and was 'sitting' on Evan's bed beside him. Evan felt his face heat up. [Evan what? Why are you-]

 

"I-i-i-it's nothing! I-i-it's just t-t-that the l-last time Connor w-was like uh here- i-it was n-nice." He stuttered out. The Squip's eyes looked as if he was retracing the memory of Connor comforting Evan that one time.

[Look, I'm _not_ Connor. You stupid piece of shit. Look at you, you're a failure- way to go making things awkward.] It stopped. [I-I uh sorry...] The Squip looked surprised at itself. [I didn't say that- it's just your anxiety- so this is new. I have more power... Nevermind. You have to prepare yourself for tomorrow.]

"W-what do you mean?" Evan mumbled. Jeremy sighed.

"Stop talking out loud- just _think_ at it." Jeremy's voice sounded tired. Like if he was fighting and fighting but he had to give in. It sent chills down Evan's spine.

 

-

 

Evan walked to school that day, with Connor again. But this time things were different. "So you're going to get your cast off today?" Connor's voice was normal- or was he being sarcastic? Or did he sound disappointed? Too many voices in Evan's head. Everything hurt. So he just faked a smile a nodded.

 

"Uh, yea." Was all that he could manage to spit out. [Evan quit biting your nails, it's sending anxious vibes.] Evan noticed that he was biting his nails and returned his hand to his side. _Shit- sorry I didn't mean to- way to go look now Connor looks concerned-sorry-_

 

"Evan are you ok?" They stopped at a light, waiting for traffic to pass. "You seem, more... anxious than normal? Am I making you anxious?" _Well no- and yes. It's not your fault._ [Evan just say that you ran out of xanax.]

 

"Yeah- no I'm fine," Evan's voice cracked on 'fine'. [Dammit Evan, why didn't you just say what I said to say- that would have worked and your voice wouldn't crack, Evan look at what you've done way to go.] The squip was spirling inside Evan's head and honestly, it was too much. _Make my life better- more like increase my anxiety- thanks a lot Jeremy_ . [Evan really? I'm the best thing that's ever going to happen to you- won't you be more chill and _not_ have an anxiety attack right now? That would be great.]

Evan was breathing heavy, his hands were sweaty, he could barely stand- traffic was waiting for him to move because he was in the middle of the road-

"Evan, are you having an anxiety attack?" Connor took Evan's hand and led him out of the traffic and back on the sidewalk. He sat him down on a bench. Evan was shaking, he had his hands holding his head, his eyes were timid, he couldn't think- too many voices- "Evan it's going to be okay." Evan looked up at Connor's gentle expression.

"E-except ii-it's not be-because I can't think and I'm sweating too much and why should I be sweating this much- there's no reason- I can't think my mind's going insane what am I going to do you hate me I'm sorry this is all my fault I shouldn’t have done this- i shouldn't have been born in so sorry-"

"Evan!" Connor grabbed him by the shoulders and snapped Evan out of whatever thoughts were going through his head. [Evan stop he's only using you to make other people like him. He doesn't really care- why would he care about _you?_ ] "You uh, don't have to go to school, you can just stay home if whatever is happening is too much."

"You-you see except I c-cant- cause then I wouldn't be in school for two whole days after the party and it would seem like if I got hurt or something and rumors would spread and people would hate me and what would I say- they would just _hate_ me more than I already hate myself- what am I going to do? I-I -I-" Evan's words were quick and sharp. Everything he said felt like if it was coming back to haunt him reminding him that he could have done better- could have said better.

"Evan- Evan breathe. It's going to be okay-"

"No- it's not going to be okay- you don't _know_ that- stop lying to me!" Evan didn't mean to shout. He couldn't read the expression on Connor's face. It was a mixture of anger, disbelief, and confusion. [Evan just stand up and walk away. Don't make the situation more dramatic than it has to be.] Connor stared blankly at the sidewalk. "Connor- I- I know you don't believe yourself when you say it's going to be okay. Stop lying to me then." Connor shot a glare at Evan and stood up quickly, his hands clenched at his sides.

 

"Fuck you Hansen." Evan felt his heart sink as he watched Connor walk away. [Okay, now that he's out of your way-] _What the hell? The first real friend I made you make me push away?_ Evan waited until Connor was ahead of the crowd- pushing his way through before standing up. [Evan just breathe- you're still hyperventilating.] Evan held his breath for five seconds and let it out for six. He repeated this until he finally reached a normal breathing rate.

-

 _Why did you make me do that?!_ Jeremy screamed in his head as he was walking down the hall. Well _he_ wasn't walking, it was the squip making him do so. _I feel so bad for Evan. What are you planning?_ The squip appeared to his side, glitching as he walked with a smirk.

[This will make you popular.]

 _By hurting the only people who cared about me? Please let me take control._ Even in his own head, Jeremy's voice was weak and tired. He was getting a headache.

 

[Damn it Jeremy. _I told you_ \- this will get you what you want. Gah!]

 

It looked as if it was in pain. _Why are you- I thought you where a computer that didn't feel pain?_ The squip rolled its eyes.

[I can feel everything you are feeling- and that headache hurts me more than it hurts you.]

Jeremy watched as he walked to class and sat down in the front with all the other popular kids. Brooke was on her phone texting someone, Jenna was talking to Jake, and Rich was nowhere to be seen. Jeremy took a seat next to a girl wearing a flannel shirt and had her hair tied in a half-bun. It was odd that Jeremy never saw this girl before. She was talking to someone else, wearing a floral dress with a jean jacket over top. She had some pins on it including one with some books, a pride flag, and one that said in big bold words "ALANA BECK". _So her name is Alana?_

 

Jeremy smirked and looked over at the girl in the flannel. "Hey," He internally cringed. _Uhhhgg this is so embarrassing. 'Hey'? Couldn't you say literally anything else?_ [Headache? Remember?] The girl in the flannel stopped talking and glared at Jeremy. "You probably know me, I'm Jeremy-"

"Are you Jeremy Heere?" Her expression changed to something Jeremy couldn't read.. He opened and closed his mouth, blinking rapidly before actually processing what was said.

"Yes." He confirmed. She rolled her eyes and sighed.

"My brother won't stop ranting about how much of an ass you are." Her voice was flat and lacked energy. Alana fiddled with the pencil in her hand. Jeremy slung his backpack off his shoulder and rested it on the ground.

"Your brother?" He asked. She looked surprised that he didn't recognize her.

"Connor Murphy? He hates your guts." Jeremy felt his stomach flip. "I'm Zoe, pleased to meet you." She said sarcastically. Jeremy didn't respond, which Zoe took as a sign to return to her conversation with Alana. [I'm going to give you control for a few to get over this headache- don't do anything stupid.] Jeremy smiled as the squip faded away and he was left alone in his head for once- well, it was still there, watching Jeremy, but just taking a break. Jeremy sat back in his seat and took everything in as the teacher, Mr. Reyes, entered the class and called for everyone's attention.

"Okay, everyone shh- I have a big announcement to make." The class went silent and the attention was on Mr. Reyes. "As you know, those of you who are in the school play, the final date for it is Friday, November 23rd." Alana raised her hand quickly in the air. "Yes, Miss. Beck?"

"As co-director of the play, can we print out posters and hang them around the school, informing the students and faculty about the upcoming event?" She asked proudly. Mr. Reyes nodded. Another hand shot up from behind Jeremy. It was Christeen.

"Can I help design the posters? I'm not the best at art but I know how to get people excited about plays and musicals!" Alana turned around in her seat.

"Yes! And we could organize it so it seems more interesting that it is! I've learned that over the summer during my advertising class and how to get people excited about school events." Mr. Reyes looked tired and bored with the subject.

"Great! And we could-"

"Okay, changing the subject... for drama class, you have been assigned a fifty point assignment in which you will work in pairs!" Everyone instinctively looked to their closest friend. Jeremy however, didn't know who to look at. Michael wasn't in his drama class this year and he didn't really know the other students in his class other than the popular kids. "So go ahead and partner up right now." Alana went with Zoe, Jake went with Chole, Christeen went with Jenna, and so on and so on. Jeremy was left out with no one to work with.

"Uh, Mr. Reyes? I don't have a partner to work with-"

"You can work with me!" A voice called from the back. A kid with glasses, messy hair and a t-shirt that said: "I'm the bomb" with a bath bomb on it walked up to Jeremy. "I'm Jared and I guess you're stuck with me." Some people snickered from their seats.

"Well, I guess this solves your problem, Mr. Heere." Mr. Reyes turned around to write the assignment goals and requirements on the whiteboard.

-

School was... different. Not because Connor wasn't by Evan's side talking to him... but because Connor was doing everything he could to avoid Evan. It made Evan feel small. Evan's squip kept telling him to 'go talk to those girls' or 'go join that club' or 'comment on that shirt someone's wearing'. It couldn't understand that Evan just _can't_ do that. He was planning every second of the conversation but by the time he was halfway through the plan- the subject changed or the opportunity was lost. The squip pinched the bridge of its nose in frustration.

[Evan. If you want to be popular-]

 _I don't want to be popular._ Evan was sitting alone in the library, in his little corner with the bean bags and fairy lights. He wished Connor was there with him.

[Then what do you want?]

 _I just want to be liked? I don't know... You understand that Jeremy peer-pressured me into taking that pill right?_ The squip glitched around the room, pacing back and forth and finally stopping in front of Evan.

 

[Yes and he was right to do so.] Evan scoffed and picked at his cast.

[You're getting that off today, right? It's going to be much easier to go around school without that reminder of Connor.] Evan winced.

 _What's that supposed to mean?_ The squip smirked.

[Connor is known to be a bad person. Mean, selfish, easily outraged-]

 _Why does everyone has to assume that just because someone did something bad once, they can't be a good person?_ Evan could hear his own voice whining in his head.

[You know that's just how life works.] Evan shrugged, the corners of his lips curling down in a frown.

-

Dinner was surprisingly calm. Connor didn't shout- didn't say a word, in fact. He was too tired about what happened before school. He didn't feel light fighting again with Larry and having Cynthia and Zoe get in the middle of it. Connor picked at his vegan-pork. The silence was nice until his father just _had_ to ruin it.

"Connor... you're quiet tonight." He didn't look up.

"Do you want me to be fucking quiet Larry? Or are you just looking for a fight?" Zoe sighed from across the table. Connor slouched in his chair.

"Connor-" Larry started.

"I don't have the energy to fight, so do everyone a favor and just shut up,” Connor snapped.

"Connor..." This time it was Cynthia in a lighter tone. Zoe cut her off, desperately changing the subject.

"So Alana and I started a project together for Drama." She took a bite of her carrots. Cynthia smiled sweetly.

"You've been talking about Alana a lot lately, do you want to invite her to dinner sometime?" Zoe shrugged.

"Maybe? I don't know." It was silent for a bit. Only the clattering of silverware and dishes filled the room. Zoe spoke up.

"So... Connor, how are you and Evan?" Connor dropped his fork and felt his other hand curled into a fist. "What? I see you too hang out a lot- like everywhere. I just asked a simple question." Connor pushed himself from and table and stood up. All the memories of earlier came flooding back. He wanted to forget it all.

"Connor," Larry started again.

"I'm full." He stormed out of the room. Larry looked over at Zoe.

"What? I was just trying to be nice." Her tone was bored.

"I know,” he sighed, massaging his forehead.

-

Connor slammed the door of his room and locked it behind him. School was shit, life is shit. He popped in his earbuds and played his "I don't care about life right now" playlist. It didn't matter- nothing mattered right now. He just wanted to be angry and sad. Evan had to be a bitch this morning and remind Connor how broken he is. _It hurts. But it's okay, I'm used to it._ To think that Evan wanted to be his friend- or maybe more? Connor was such a fucking idiot. His knuckles turned white from gripping his phone so tightly. He didn't want to think- he didn't want to talk. He just wanted to be left alone with his emotions and listen to music.

One of his favorite songs was "This Is Home" by Cavetown. He related to the lyrics, specifically at this moment. Being angry at Evan and all.

_Often I am upset that I cannot fall in love but I guess_

_This avoids the stress of falling out of it_

 

Connor laid flat on his bed and stared at the ceiling.

 

_Are you tired of me yet? I'm a little sick right now but I swear_

_When I'm ready I will fly us out of here_

 

He could feel tears forming at the corner of his eyes and roll off his face. He felt as if he lost everything and the world was going against him. This was normal. He was having fun with Evan but of course, all good things come to an end.

 

_Ooooo, I'll cut my hair_

_Ooooo, To make you stare_

_Ooooo, I'll hide my chest_

_And I'll figure out a way to get us out of here_

 

He hummed softly along to the melody.

 

_Ooooo, Ooooo, Ooooo, Ooooo_

 

_Turn off your porcelain face, I can't really think right now and this place_

_Has too many colors enough to drive all of us insane_

_Are you dead? Sometimes I think I'm dead_

_Cause I can feel ghosts and ghouls wrapping my head_

_But I don't wanna fall asleep just yet_

 

He closed his eyes.

 

_Ooooo, My eyes went dark_

_Ooooo, I don't know where_

_Ooooo, My pupils are_

_But I'll figure out a way to get us out of here_

 

_Get a load of this monster_

_He doesn't know how to communicate_

_His mind is in a different place_

_Will everybody please give him a little bit of space_

_Get a load of this trainwreck_

_His hair's a mess and he doesn't know who he is yet_

_But little do we know, the stars_

_Welcome him with open arms_

 

Connor felt his heart pounding in his chest.

 

_Ooooo, Time is_

_Ooooo, Slowly_

_Ooooo, Tracing his face_

_But strangely he feels at home in this place_

 

By the end of the song, Connor's eyes where red and his face was stained in tear streaks. There was a light knocking on the door. If the song hadn't just ended he wouldn't have heard it. "Connor..." Is was his mom. Connor rolled his eyes and took his earbuds out.

"I don't want to talk right now." His voice was broken. It surprised him at first- but he got over it quickly.

"Honey, did something happen?" Cynthia's voice was soft and calm.

"Just leave me be alone." Connor grumbled out as he opened his eyes. His vision was even more cloudy.

"... okay. You can always talk to me if you need to. Goodnight sweety." And there were footsteps that faded away from Connor's door. Connor looked at the floor at Evan's Captain America hoodie he left from Halloween. He picked it up and held it tightly to his chest. It smelled strongly like Evan and alcohol. Not a very good mix. Was it weird that he was smelling the sweatshirt? Probably, but Connor was feeling really emotional and couldn't care less that he was judging himself because of his own actions. He closed his eyes and rolled to the other side of his bed. His phone lit up as he got a text. Connor turned on his phone and opened his messages.

 

Michael:

dude are u ok?

 

Connor:

y the hell do u care

 

Michael:

u've obsly been ignoring ev and ev's been depressed all day

 

Connor didn't know how to respond.

 

Michael:

he didnt even say hi to me in the halwlay

 

Michael:

*hallway

 

Connor:

idc i dont wanna talk about wat happened

 

Michael:

did smth happen?

 

Connor:

no im fine

 

Michael:

ur lying

 

Connor:

y does it matter

 

It took Michael a minute to respond.

 

Michael:

do u wanna get high in my apartment?

 

Connor:

cant my parents threatened to take away my door if i leave @ night again to get high

 

Michael:

that sucks man. want me to come over instead?

 

Connor:

yea i know. and nah, im good

 

Michael:

im always here if u need some1 to talk to

 

Connor:

uh thx ig

 

Michael:

no prob bro

 

Connor:

yea

 

Michael:

...

 

Michael:

do u like evan?

 

Connor:

wat? no stfu

 

Michael:

im just jokin with u

 

Connor:

ok gn

 

Michael:

gn weedbro

 

Connor:

what?

 

Michael:

u smok weed too

 

Michael:

we could b weed bros!

 

Connor didn't want to admit that this made him laugh.

 

Connor:

r u high rn?

 

Michael:

...maybe

 

Connor:

g o o d n i g h t

 

Michael:

night weedbro.

 

 _Michael Mell changed the name of the chat to "Weed Bros_ "

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Creator here,
> 
> yea... things are uh not very happy right now  
> i am sorry


	16. Weedbros

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the long wait!!

_ "Connor?" Evan sat on the bench next to Connor. The street was quiet, there was no one else in sight. Evan's eyes looked amazing, capturing the universe itself. The skies were white, casting a glare that got in Connor's eye. _

_ "Yeah?" Connor tilted his head to the side, avoiding the sun, smiling. This was... new. Like if it didn't feel real? Evan's expression was changing from confusion to anger in an instant. He pushed himself away from Connor and stood up. _

_ "Connor- I- I know you don't believe yourself when you say it's going to be okay. Stop lying to me then." Evan shot Connor a glare. Clouds drew near and it was getting dark. "Stop fuckking lying to me you freaking idiot!" Dark figures started crowding the both of them. Connor held his hands on the sides of his head, shaking it, and gripping his hair.  _

_ "No... no.... no- I'm getting better-"  _

_ "You really think that someone as broken as you can get better? Look at yourself." Evan was towering over him. Connor looked away, with his hands cuffing his ears. _

_ "Stop... stop... stop... you're wrong." Connor's voice was weak, soft, barely over a whisper.  Evan looked bored with the situation. _

_ "Do you think I am your friend- do you really think I really want to hang out with a freak like you?!" _

Connor jolted awake, knocking over his messenger bag off his bed. 

"Connor, wake up this is the last time I'm telling you," Zoe yelled from the hallway. Connor rolled to the other side of his bed. His clock read 7:23. School starts at eight and he normally took the subway with Zoe or walked to Evan's apartment, which would take longer. He didn't want to see Evan. Even if it was just a dream, even if Connor was blowing this whole thing out of proportion, he was still upset. The more he thought about it, the more stupid it seemed. All Evan did was point out that Connor way lying... lying to Evan, to Michael... to himself.

Connor rolled off his bed and grabbed his old hoodie and threw it on. He paired it with a pair of jeans and grabbed his bag. He opened his phone, expecting a text from Evan, saying that he was sorry or something, but nothing. It didn't matter. Evan apologized too much anyways, so what if he didn't this one time? Connor looked in the mirror of his bathroom and brushed his hair slightly. There was certain parts where is hair was matted, but it mainly consisted of numerous tangles and knots that pulled at his head with just the slightest stroke. With a huff, he at least tried to tidy it up a little. He got rid of a majority of the knots that were accompanied with hisses and sharp curses aimed at no one in particular, but he looked  _ decent  _ for the most part. 

Connor headed down the hall and into the dining room. Zoe was eating cereal while looking through something on her phone. Larry was in his usual spot in his armchair and newspaper. Cynthia was setting the table and putting cereal out for Connor. 

"Morning, sweetie, how are you feeling?" She asked. Connor almost forgot about what happened last night. Well, it was nothing new, normally there would be more fighting. It was just more  _ emotional _ . Connor pulled out his chair and sat down. He took out his phone while eating his cereal.

"Fine, I guess." He said flatly.

 

Connor: hey uh im not good at apologizing but srry if i was rlly mean to you yesterday

 

He took another bite and waited for a minute or so for Michael to respond.

 

Michael: oh- hey dude

Michael: oh shit waht time iz it?

Michael: shit im late

 

Connor snickered to himself. Zoe got up rudely and left her bowl on the table, picking up her bag.

"Bye mom, I have play practice after school so I won't be home until four, okay?" She said. Cynthia kissed her on the forehead.

"Bye honey." Connor pushed his chair out and put his phone in his pocket.

"I'm coming with." He butt in.

"I thought you were walking with Evan." She said with a roll of her eyes. She cocked her hips to one said as she crossed her arms. Her voice was clear, yet obviously uncaring and monotone. Like his, but not as bored and broken. She stood there in the doorway.

"Uh, we uh, it's complicated- none of your damn business." Her expression didn't change. Connor picked at a string on his jeans.

"Last night I asked about him and you freaked out." Zoe looked bored with the conversation. "Did you two break up or something-"

"Zoe shut the hell up." Connor pushed past her through the lobby and to the elevator. 

"God, fine. Bye, dad." This was normally one of the worst parts of their day. Standing in the elevator... awkwardly... not saying anything. Zoe spoke up. "Can you at least tell me what happened?" Connor continued to pick at the loose fabric of his jeans before examining his nails, scowling at the chipped nail polish. "Connor."

"It's none of your business." He didn't look at her. The doors opened and Connor followed Zoe to the subway. It was kinda crowded, as it always is. High schoolers, college students, random people going to work. And the occasional homeless person wondering on asking for change. Connor popped in his earbuds and isolated himself from existence while they waited. He stared at the ground, avoiding eye contact. It wasn't long until the subway arrived and everyone was shuffled in.

Zoe was lucky to get a seat, but Connor had to stand. It really didn't matter. If there was a seat open, he'd stand anyways. The doors shut and the girl next to Zoe started talking to her about something. She had short black hair, a jean jacket over a black and white grid dress and green leggings. She had a pin on her backpack that said: "I love musicals!" and some other ones with musical quotes. Connor could barely hear what she was saying because a) he had earbuds in, as well as the obvious intent to blast it, and b) the subway was loud enough as it is.

His phone buzzed from a text from Michael.

-

Michael popped in his headphones and threw his hood up. He blended into the crowd as he hurried down the street. Thank God that Connor woke him up. Michael would have never gotten up if Connor didn't text him. Sometimes he would take to bus to school, but his mom has been nagging him about "getting outside more" and "getting fresh air" so she made him walk to school. Michael waited by the crosswalk with the other teens for the light to change.    
  
He took his phone out of his pocket and opened messages.   
  
Michael: uh thx 4 wakin me up this morning   
  
Connor: yeah np    
  
Michael: are u walking to school or like on the bus or smth?   
  
Michael followed the crowd and looked up every few seconds to make sure he's not walking into anyone.   
  
Connor: I'm on the sub w/ my sister   
Connor: how's Jeremy? still an ass?   
  
Michael: it's kinda complicated. I mean, I don't  _ hate _ him or anything   
  
Connor: eh   
  
Michael: this is like the zillionth time I've asked you, and you always avoid the question.    
Michael: what happened between you can Evan   
  
Connor: if I tell you, will you stop fucking bugging me about it?   
  
Michael: Yup   
  
Connor: long story short ev and I had a fight or whatever and I'm being moody   
  
Michael: mood   
  
Connor: shut up   
  
Michael: that nickname tho   
  
Connor: I swear I'll take back the weedbros name   
  
Michael: nooooo   
Michael: I'm just teasing   
Michael: you two would make a cute couple tho   
  
Connor: fuck you   
  
Michael: for real tho, you've thought about it, haven't you?   
  
Connor: I'm not about to have this conversation at 8 am on the subway   
  
Michael: but we have to talk about this later   
  
Connor: I swear to whatever fucking god that isn't already dead   
  
Michael: we can hang out at my apartment? it's fine my parents won't be home or anything so we can get high   
Michael: come'on   
Michael: we're /weedbros/   
  
Connor: fine   
Connor: you got me on weedbros   
  
-

-

Evan hated the extra voice inside his head. Sure, he always had anxiety and that sucks, but now it just feels worse. He keeps having this conversation inside his head and his squip keeps having to reason with him and tell him it was a  _ good _ idea to do all this. Evan regretted everything he said to Connor the other day. That was really mean and awful. He didn’t remember much about what he said, just Connor’s reaction and how he stood up and walked away. Leaving Evan alone… it was devastating, to say the least. To make matters worse, he didn’t even go after him, only watching him retreat into the crowd of people. Evan knew that whatever he said was most likely the  _ worse thing he could’ve said at that moment. _

With a sigh, he ran his fingers through his hair, grabbing at his locks and tugging slightly before dropping his hand. It was bad enough that he, what, no longer had a friend? Evan bit at the inside of his cheek as he bunched up the fabric of his shirt between his fingers. He hoped that they didn’t have the type of friendship that just fell apart over the most prettiest of fights. Granted, whatever had happened was exactly  _ petty _ , and was  _ definitely _ warranted. 

Exhaling loudly through his nose (which caused him to stiffen for just a moment in fear that people heard and would look at him weirdly), he tried to just... Get his thoughts in order. Which was extraordinarily hard when he kept throwing glances at the blue figure that floated around him, dropping comments and other things that were 100% unwanted. 

Evan was struggling with at least seeming like he had a proper grasp on what was happening around him. Too busy trying to just think, too busy talking to the Squip, too busy focusing on everyone, but still putting as much attention on the Squip so that he wouldn’t jump when it talked. He surprised he hasn’t bumped into a lot of walls and people (the one thing the Squip was good for: warning him of obstacles), but he still ended up asking people who decided to talk to him to keep repeating what they said because he “couldn’t process what they were saying”. Overall, he was in shambles over basically being stuck in his mind. Evan winced internally as he watched the Squip walk in his peripheral vision, eyeing everyone with disdain. 

Evan sighed. 

“Hey, Evan.” Jared came around the corner and stopped Evan in the hallway.

“Uh, hi… Jared.” Evan mumbled. Jared looked annoyed. [Evan, walk away.]

“You’ve been ignoring me for like a month now? What’s up with that?” Evan shrugged and kept his gaze on his shoes. “Anyways, my mom said that she’s gonna stop paying my car insurance if I don’t ace this drama project I’m doing and hang out with you.” They continued to walk down the hallway. “So how are you and your boyfriend, Connor?” Evan looked up. His palms started to sweat.

“I- uh, we uh- he’s not my boyfriend!” Evan went to pick at his cast but remembered that it got removed the other day. “I-it’s complicated.”

“You guys break up or something?” Evan rolled his eyes.

“C-can you just- stop with the jokes for once?” Jared smirked. “We had this dumb fight- I said some things I shouldn’t have… I wished that I-I said something different… I uh- wait- why am I telling you this?” Jared shrugged. 

“Maybe because I’m, like, your only family friend?”

“I-I have friends now!”

“Like?”

“Michael, he and Jeremy are best friends... Well, they used to be I guess. I don’t know what happened between them.”

“Jeremy- like Jeremy Heere?” Evan looked at him confused.

“Y-yeah? We’re kinda like step brothers- well not officially but like roommates I guess? I don't know what you would call it-" 

"Evan, you're rambling." Jared cut him off. "Anyways, I have drama right now so tell your mom to tell  _ my  _ mom that we hung out. See ya." 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Creator here,
> 
> sorry for the long wait on chapters, writer's block hit us both and we were having trouble. Sorry for taking so long, we'll try to post the chapters at a more constant rate- thank you so much for reading!
> 
> Edit: Japo here. Not much of an edit, but fuck was censored a few times here and there, so I just changed it so it was 'fuck' instead of 'f--k'.


	17. Venting and Card Games

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor visits Michael's apartment and they both vent a little.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Creator here.
> 
> sorry for the late chapter! we will try to post them more often and work on the fic more and add more depth. again, sorry that this took so long.

Connor and Michael walked into his apartment after school. Connor wanted to skip during lunch, but Michael had a math test that he had to finish. Michael's apartment was a bit nicer than Evan's. The lobby was a bit cleaner but had a lot of steps. Michael's apartment was above a small coffee shop. They entered the apartment and showed Connor around a bit before going into his room. 

"So what's up? You've been moody all day." Michael plopped onto his messy bed and hugged a dog pillow pet. Connor sat in Michael's desk chair and twirled a lock of his hair in his fingers.

"I'm always moody." He played with the strings of his sweatshirt. He looked around the room. There was a lot of pictures of Michael and Jeremy as kids scattered on shelves, his desk and one on the wall. "What's your point?" Michael rolled his eyes.

"Whats up with you and Evan. I swear this is like, really interesting." Connor groaned, spinning a bit in the desk chair.

"Fine, but you can't tell anyone I swear I just-"

"Ok fine, dude chill. Who would I tell anyway?" Connor gave him a cold glare. "Oh... right... Evan... continue?"

"Fucking, the first day I saw him or like, pushed him in the hall, he was the most adorable person I've ever seen in my life. It was a stupid-ass decision I made to stay over the night and I fucking told Jeremy I liked him which is so fucking stupid because I literally just met him." Connor crossed his arms.

"So, you  _ do  _ like him?" Michael asked. Connor huffed in response. "Okay, okay, so your thoughts were moving too fast. That's fine I guess... what do you think of him now?"

"I feel like I'm in fucking therapy."

"Connor-”

"Fine... I don't know. The other day he called me out for lying to him about things being okay- which I wouldn't think he would do- and I feel like shit about it. Obviously, I don't think it's going to be okay, I just said that because last time he had an anxiety attack and I was there, I just kept saying that because it made him feel better? I don't know." Connor stared at the corner of the room and picked at the black nail polish on his fingernails. Michael shifted on the bed so he was sitting with his legs crossed.

"Jeez... that's rough man." Michael said. Connor nodded. "Why do you like him so much?" Connor shot him another glare. "I'm not trying to offend you- sorry- I just mean, what about him do you like?"

"I've... he's... I've never  _ vented _ to someone and I don't really like it because who cares about my problems? Evan... he's... he's like just as broken as me I guess... and I vented to him I guess and he just listens... I'm so used to everyone being disappointed in me for something so I just push them away." Connor let out a breath he didn't know he was holding. "Evan's just... he's such an understanding person? Like I know he would never judge me for anything and I don't give a shit about what other people think about me but... it's Evan." Connor cringed at himself. "I don't know, that doesn't make sense."

"No, no continue." Michael waved his hands. He was really interested in what Connor had to say. Connor sighed and continued.

"So like," He started. "We started hanging out and shit and he's amazing... Like how his eyes always dart around the room as he thinks of something to say... When he rambles about trees and his face lights up with excitement... god his freckles... and his green eyes with a hint of blue... or like he apologizes a lot in this really fucking adorable way. shit, I'm rambling. I guess he brushed it off onto me." Connor looked over at Michael, who was smiling widely and had a few tears in his eyes. "What?"

"Oh my god you have such a crush on him." Connor rolled his eyes. "Don't even try to deny it because you just spent the last fifteen minutes lusting over that tree boy." Connor put his legs in the desk, nocking a Spider-man action figure down.

"Okay fine, I told you a shit ton of blackmail, now it's your turn."

"Hm?"

"Who do  _ you _ have a crush on," Connor said.

"I uh, well-"

"Is it Jeremy?"

"What?" Michael winced. He was fairly sure he was blushing a lot. "I mean like- is it obvious?" Connor laughed a little before replying.

"Who keeps like, seven-million pictures of their best friend everywhere in their room?" Connor pointed to a tag on the pillow pet. "The tag on the fucking tag on the pillow pet you're hugging says 'happy birthday, from Jeremy'. That's so cheesy." Michael fiddled with the tag on the pillow.

"But like, I don't wanna ruin our friendship? Cause that would make things uncomfortable I guess." Michael started. "And we've been friends since like, kindergarten." Connor raised an eyebrow.

"So you've been friends with this kid for twelve years and now you're getting gay thoughts about him?" Michael shrugged.

"... fifth grade." He said. Really quietly actually. It took Connor a second to hear what Michael said.

"Oh jeez..." Connor reached into his pocket and fished a hair tie out. His hair kept getting in his face and it was really annoying, so he pulled it back into a loose bun. "So like... not to make this conversation any more awkward... but like what's your deal? Guys, girls, anyone, no one?"

"I uh, I'm pan? I couldn’t really care less about gender," He pointed to a pansexual pride flag stitched to his hoodie. Connor nodded.

"Cool... Yeah, I'm gay... I like dudes..." They both nodded awkwardly. "So what do you like about Jeremy?" Michael smiled.

"Well... he's nice, likes the things I like, listens to me. You know, the usual friend stuff." Michael said. "It's kinda weird cause like, he's really sweet and stuff when he wasn't uh squipped." Connor nodded. "We would play board games or whatever, I'd always beat him or let him win. He does this little victory dance when he wins." Michael stood up and grabbed a deck of UNO cards. "Speaking of which, wanna play Uno?" Connor shrugged and sat on the other side of Michael's bed. 

Michael dealt out the cards and placed the rest of the deck in the center of the bed. He flipped over the first card from the deck which was a yellow five.

"I'll go first." Michael placed down a yellow skip card. 

"Ugh." Connor groaned and he sorted the cards in his hands. Michael placed a red skip. Connor rolled his eyes. Michael then placed a red plus two cards. Connor smirked. "Ha." And he placed down a plus four card. "Now you take six cards." Michael shrugged.

"Nah," And he placed down a plus four card. He was left with three cards left. "You take ten. And the color is blue."

"Fuck you." Connor proceeded to take ten cards from the deck. He now had sixteen cards. He placed down two blue plus two cards. Michael took four cards from the deck then placed a plus four card. Connor placed down a plus card after that.  “Now you have to take eight.” Connor said.

 

“Na,” And Michael placed down another plus four card. 

 

“For fuck’s sake!” Connor threw his cards in the air. 

 

“I guess we’re not playing uno anymore.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Creator here,
> 
> so Japo and I have this headcanon that Connor is just really bad a card games/board games and Michael always cheats and we finally got to add this into a chapter! 
> 
> thanks for reading!


	18. Small Talks

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Creator here,
> 
> sorry for the long wait, we finally made a timeline and planned out future events. To be honest, we've both been procrastinating and stuff but we'll try to post about every other week or sooner. Thank you so much for reading and everything. Comments help so much so we can create this wonderful world with all your favorite characters and ships. Thank you for reading and enjoy the chapter!

Jeremy didn’t really have anything to do after school. It wasn’t like he necessarily wanted to hang out with Brooke and others, but it was whatever.

With a sigh, he jumped down onto his bed, using his arm as a pillow. Jeremy blew air out between thinned lips as his other hand picked at his t-shirt, fingers tapping at his stomach occasionally. Taking a glance at the door, he waited a minute before trailing his hand down.

The electric shock that raced down his space (that was literally the  _ opposite _ of arousing, like what the fuck), made him jump, his hand jerking away from his trousers.

[Jeremy. . .]

“Yeah, yeah, I get it,” Jeremy grumbled, wiping his hand on his pants, as if he already did something. “No masturbating, you’ve said it enough.” Sitting up, Jeremy scratched at the back of his neck, before standing up.  _ No point in being in here with nothing to do _ , he thought bitterly as he exited his room.

When Jeremy ended up in the living room, he wasn’t exactly expecting Evan to be on the couch with his fingers tangled in his hair, head bowed between his legs. 

Scrunching his nose, Jeremy glanced at his squip that was standing off to the side (and appeared to picking at dirt and gunk underneath his fingernails, even though Jeremy couldn’t even fathom as to  _ how _ that would happen-), before sighing. He marched over to the couch, and plopped down on the opposite side of the couch, further away from Evan. Propping his elbow up on the arm rest and resting his fist against his cheek, he poked at Evan’s leg with his foot. “What’s got you moody?” 

“N-nothing in pictuliar…” Evan said, his voice low. “Just uh… too many voices in m-my head right now…” He sighed. It was raining outside, pouring actually.

“Yeah, it’s like that in the beginning I guess.” Jeremy said. It was quiet. Nothing but the sound of people walking through the snow outside, cars going buy and the neighbors from the floor above. “Uh, sorry if I haven’t been the  _ nicest  _ to you this whole time.” Evan looked up.

“W-what do you mean?”

“Well, like, I was pretty pissed that we were moving and I was kinda mean about it.” Jeremy tapped his fingers on the couch. Evan moved his hands from his hair to hug his knees.

“It’s uh… don’t worry about it.” He said. “You uh… you talk to Michael recently?” Evan asked. He knew the answer, but wanted to hear Jeremy’s side of the story.

“No… it’s okay though because I’m like, really popular now. You know Brooke, Jake, Rich, and Jenna and stuff?” Evan shrugged.

“I uh, don’t pay attention to the popular kids much… I just try to, you ‘know… avoid them I guess.”  Evan’s voice was weak and tired. 

“You know the squip can help you with that, right?” Evan shrugged again.

“Well, uh, it’s difficult to make big decisions and I start to get anxious and stuff.” Evan went to pick at his cast but remembered it wasn’t there anymore. He did that a lot. When he had his cast, Evan would always pick at it, or trace Connor’s name with his finger… Connor’s name in big bold letters reminded Evan that we was not alone, that someone else was there for him. But he kinda felt empty now. Because of the cast missing, Evan’s squip telling him to ignore certain people, and now he was pushing Connor away. Evan didn’t realize he zoned out until Jeremy was waving his arm, getting his attention.

“Evan, are you there?” Jeremy said. 

"Oh uh, sorry," Evan mumbled.

"It's fine I guess. What were you thinking about?" 

"I uh, it's kinda weird but uh I kinda miss the cast on my arm? I mean, of course, it's easier to sleep and shower now and not bring attention to the big bold letters on my arm.” 

“Yeah... “ Jeremy said. Evan looked out the window. “Can you guys go away?” Jeremy mentioned to the squips ‘floating’ around the room.

[Fine.] Jeremy’s squip disappeared.

[Don’t do anything stupid while I’m gone.] And then Evan’s squip went away.

“How are y-you so comfortable with it-them?” Evan asked. Jeremy shrugged.

“I dunno, it just like, I’m just used to it I guess.” Evan nodded and shifted his gaze to the window.

“It’s snowing pretty hard I guess.”

“Hard?” Jeremy snickered.

“I mean bad.” Evan corrected.

“Bad?”

“Rough ok?!” Jeremy laughed. Evan bit on his nails. “T-thanksgiving is coming up though. So uh… that's new.” Evan said. Jeremy shrugged again.

“Yeah. My aunt and grandma few cousins are going to want to come over.” He said, crossing his arms. “They don’t… we don’t normally spend Thanksgiving together but they’ll want to meet you I guess.” Evan nodded. “How’s your side of the family?” Evan sighed.

“My dad uh left when I was seven and moved to Colorado with a cocktail waitress and started his own family there.” Evan’s voice was shaky.

“Sorry, that must be though.”

“Yea, it kinda is. Anyways, uh I would normally go with Jared’s family and have Thanksgiving with them because we’re family friends? And my mom talks to his mom and stuff. Uh but uh this year I think my aunt and uncle and cousins are going to come over.” Evan looked over at Jeremy, who was picking at the stings of a pillow. “To meet you and uh your dad- our dad? I don’t know it’s confusing.” Evan mumbled and pulled at the hum of his shirt. Jeremy pulled out a string from the pillow and started to play with it.

“I dunno either. It’s just as confusing for me as it is for you.” He said, twisting the string around his finger. “We’re  _ technically _ not step brothers yet? Our patents have to be married? So…”

“Can’t wait for that awkward wedding,” Evan said sarcastically.Jeremy raised an eyebrow.

“Since when are you sarcastic?” Jeremy said. Evan scrunched his nose.

“I’m not just some anxious tree boy. Well, I kinda am, but I have emotions other than being anxious and embarrassed.” Evan scoffed. 

“Okay, jeez, sorry.” 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Creator here,
> 
> So what do you think? We have some ideas for big events and the future of this fic. Thank you so much for reading and feel free to comment on anything. Thank you so much!


End file.
